Les Misc

Asshole of the Day

2011-04-12T22:38:00.002-05:00

The High Road:

Has anyone pissed you off royally and instead of giving them an open-palm slap to the mouth, as is much deserved, you decide to take the stupid ass "high road?" Well I'm here to tell you that you can only take the high road so much before you have to swerve your shitty yellow Dodge Neon to the left and you end up on Punching Bag drive with a nosebleed watching the rest of the assholes speed by on the "low road" while giving you the finger.

Asshole of the Day

2011-04-08T20:21:00.003-05:00

Buhster buh-buh-buh-back in action. I promise I'll give an update of the misc I've encountered in this new land/job; but today, after being forced to sit through an all-day meeting, I'd like to bring back the Asshole of the Day. So without further adieu, I bring you...

The "I'd like to echo..." Asshole.

Listen, man. The last time I checked, we were in a conference room trying to solve a business problem, not in the fucking Andes yodel-odling so that we could hear the beautiful echo of our own voices. So the next time you feel the need to reiterate what another person in the room has said just to hear the ragingly annoying sound of your own hideous voice, please refrain. Otherwise, I might be forced to throw a bag of Ricolas at your head every time you open your mouth to speak.

Buh Buh Back in Action

2011-03-30T19:30:00.004-05:00

It's me, Miss Misc, reporting in after a lengthy 1.5 year absence. Go ahead, call me an inconsiderate asshole for leaving you hanging while I was out living my life. Well I'm back again and boy have I got updates.

Let's start with the most important: Buhster threw up the deuces and moved her ass out of state. Yep, she abandoned me for the promise of a bigger check and sunshine, well okay, those are facts not promises, and if someone offered me a better gig, balmy weather and a backyard that wouldn't take 30 years to pay off, I would have eased myself on down the road too. So cheers to Buhster. Now I didn't say she escaped the misc, cause that shit sticks to you like the smell of Brut after some ugly guy hugs up on you at the club, but she can report on that herself.

As for me, well let's start with the good stuff. I found a boyfriend. An honest to God good guy who takes me to his mama's house and everything. And we met on eharmony! Snicker behind my back all you want, that 15-hour compatibility survey worked its magic.

I bought a house. It's not a shit hole, but let's just say every time I hear a loud noise I peek out the window to check for bodies on the ground. My area is "up and coming" (cough cough, gunshots!)

Work, you ask? ...sigh. Same ol shit ya'll. Different paygrade=different grade of assholes. After years of job hopping, me and Buhster finally figured out that we should have stayed our asses put with our decent salaries, only slightly annoying bosses, and views of the city. I guess if we could do it over again, we would, but ya live and ya learn.

Let's talk about what's next for Miss Misc. Well if you can't beat the assholes (which I can't, I promise you) you join them! That's right, I'm gonna be my own boss and start my own business. It's the only way I can retire by the time I'm 40. So watch out, the next time you post your resume online, trying to escape your current misc, you might get a reply from me. Muhahahahhahahaha

Monkeys Have Feelings, Too

2009-09-30T18:29:00.000-05:00

*Image courtesy of La Pequena's #1 fan

Dear Assholes,

While it's been fun being treated like a trained monkey on a daily basis, please consider this my resignation.

I'm packing up my survival blanket and my bananas for a land where miscellaneousness does not swing through like a tornado in Kansas and the monkeys are treated with a little respect.

It's been real...real buh.

DEUCES,
Buhster

Your Quarterly Update

2009-08-05T20:16:00.007-05:00

Well hello there! I know, I know, I've been treating readers like the children of a 40-year old woman recently remarried. Yes, I've in general been ignoring Les Misc. I guess I have a slight problem, I'm sorta happy with life, which absolutely does not make for good blogging. I like my job, have lots of friends, the only thing I can complain about is men! They are still worse than ever and behaving as if they were raised in the wild. Highlights include:

-The Cop who had 5 kids and dropped the f-bomb every other sentence
-The Austrailian Basketball player with a lisp
-The Foreign Guy who invited me over for chestnuts and coffee then asked when we were gonna make out
-The Fat PE Teacher who only liked to eat pasta, fried chicken and pizza
-The Guy from College who started every sentence with "well my mom thinks..."
-The Total Hottie from the club, sigh, so hot, yet such a dog
-And of course guest appearances by my college sweetheart, the Trainer and the Jamaican

I've decided to strap my chastity belt on extra tight until I stop attracting miscellaneours.

asshole of the day

2009-03-16T16:09:00.000-05:00

i'm baaaaaaaaaack.

buhster here bringing back the asshole of the day. why? because shit just hit the fan, and i can't stand the smell any longer.

so, today, i bring you the first asshole of the day for 2009:

HR departments

the obvious choice for asshole of the day would've been the stranger danger man who randomly showed up on our floor at work and started stealing shit from people's offices and cubicles. however, who can blame the crackhead for tryin to get his?

no, no, the HR department is the true asshole of the day because when it came time to examine the obvious security issue, who's fault was it that this man was able to get onto our floor? according to HR, it was clearly staff's fault. clearly.

so, thank you, HR department, for keeping me on my toes by threatening my job if i don't close the doors completely. because in addition to my already miscellaneousness-filled job, i would love it if you would please add "security detail" to my list of job responsibilities. don't worry. my 5'6", 1-some-odd-hundred-pound frame will keep us safe.

For just 20 cents a day, you too can adopt a 27-year old

2008-11-14T17:19:00.001-06:00

Today I had to wake my ass up an hour early and hike it to downtown to go to a meeting for my job. It wasn't until I was settled in next to the sound guy with an unfortunate case of Tourette's paired with a bad head cold(how I attract these folks, I don't know) that I realized one crucial difference between me and most of the of the folks in the room: I wasn't a millionaire.

As I read through the bios I started to calculate the net worth of those in the room and stopped counting cause it was rather depressing. These people could buy me, my family and yours with their pocket money. I'm talking CEOs, Presidents...I mean, I was sitting eating Tootsie Rolls courtesy of the President of Tootise Roll who was sitting across from me. Sigh...why don't they have adult adoption? I mean, if one of these fools would adopt me, I swear I'd be a better person! I'd even call them mommy and daddy if they insisted, no shame in my game. Where is my Madonna?

I dare not complain today, seeing as how I had free breakfast, lunch and took home a vase of pretty roses. I even got the afternoon off for all my hard work (hey using a copy machine is hard work.)

The End of an Era

2008-10-16T15:28:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting on my lotto check for about three months but it hasn't come yet. In the meantime I thought it best to get a job. I'm actually pretty excited about it, imagine that, Miss Misc getting dressed up and taking her butt to someone's office everyday.

And get this, I might actually like the job and the people! What will the future hold for Les Misc if I'm actually content? Readers will have to depend on Buhster for the majority of the content.

I only have a couple more days of sleeping in and generally doing nothing with myself. Holla---

Asshole of the Day

2008-10-06T18:50:00.003-05:00

Why Didn't I Get the Job Lady

Miss Misc here to report yet more miscellaneous and craziness. I was hitting the pavement today, bouncing between two job interviews for two random ass positions that I would of course be an excellent fit for. I'd noticed a crazy looking lady, bright ass red suit, a very battered looking suitcase, a very big weave with two tracks too many (that's what happens when you're trying to use of the whole pack of hair) and some Wet & Wild lipstick (don't ask how I could name the brand, but anyone who's purchased Wet & Wild can spot it.)

Well this lady, let's call her "Big Red" was chatting with security so I figured she belonged there, hell she got let through before I did. As I approached my destination low and behold that Big Red had beaten me there and was talking with some folks and blocking the lobby chairs with her bag.

Apparently she had shown up in person to discuss why she had been "summarily dismissed" from the running for the Executive Director position. Shit, if she'd shown up at my office in that suit that would have been enough...but I digress. The poor women, I assume HR, were trying to explain that an executive search firm was being used and was performing the initial screening, and that they had no control over the process, when Big Red demanded to see the President, and started citing her qualifications. She noted that she was currently CEO of her own business (selling Avon on the side does in a way make you CEO of a "franchise") which led me to wonder why she needed a job so badly that she'd show up and throw a hissy fit on-site, if in fact she was a successful CEO.

Anyways, Big Red, you my dear are an Asshole. And not only have you taken yourself out of the running for ever working at that company, you now won't even be able to get through security again cause I'm sure one of them got an earful for letting you up without having an appointment. Take your lack of qualifications like a real woman, as I have been doing for the past 8 months.

Which reminds me, one of my friends helpfully pointed out that I hadn't really had a real job this year...what an observation. Yet I still have money and wake up at 9:30 am most mornings. As the Great Buhster would say, mediocrity is the key to success.

...And then I saw his balls

2008-09-22T19:52:00.002-05:00

Buhster's birfday post is hard to top, however, today I witnessed something almost as horrific. I was running in the middle of the day, as many unemployed people do, when I hit my 2 mile mark. I bent over to take a few breaths and looked over to see a guy in just his running shorts--no shirt. Okay, no problem, but what was that pink thing...I looked over again and HOLY SHIT! That was a ball, a nut, a sack or whatever you wanna call it. Dude, if you're standing straight up and I can look over at your balls there is a problem. WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! Morbid fascination almost caused me to look a third time, but I've seen enough balls in my life that I decided it best to just start running again.

A Buhster Birfday

2008-09-12T15:58:00.004-05:00

buh-buh-buh-buhster back in action after a long hiatus!

today's my birfday, and miss misc asked that i do a special birfday post. so, i thought i'd tell you a little bit about buhster birfdays.

i don't typically make a big deal out of my birfdays. why? well, because the two birfdays i can remember ever making any sort of deal out of, some sort of miscellaneousness went down.

my 14th birfday: got shat on by a bird. smack on my shoulder.
my 21st birfday: spent the evening on the floor of my buddy's bathroom sick as a dog and begging for burnt toast (sure, sounds about right for most 21st birfdays, but i was down by about 9 p.m.).

so usually i like the day to come and go with nothing really out of the ordinary. i get really nice cards and money from family and calls from friends. i'll generally treat myself to some sort of tasty meal. this low-key no-nonsense sort of thing works for me.

however, for some reason, i thought i should treat myself to something nice this year. i've been working pretty hard at yet another misc-filled establishment, and i've got one year left of grad school. so i decided to work a half day and then schedule a massage.

and that's where the dorito started raining down on me.

i lost track of time and left a little too late to take a bus to my massage appointment so i hopped in a cab. what should have been a 5 minute ride doubled in time. why? well, after the cabbie took a terrible route and then turned in the wrong direction, i decided to say something, and here's the conversation:

me: umm...you realize lincoln is the other way, right?

angry cabbie: i know where i'm going. i'm a cab driver. i know where i'm going.

me: ok, well, i'm just wondering why you would be driving AWAY from my destination.

angry cabbie: you want me to sit in that traffic? i'm avoiding traffic. i'm a cab driver. i know.

me, trying to avoid turning into asshole buhster: well, sir, you could have just said that instead of taking a really rude tone with me.

angry cabbie: you know what i was doing, but you ask anyway. i'm not taking a tone.

me, turning into asshole buhster: yes, yes you are taking a tone. and if i knew what you were doing, why the hell would i ask?

so we finally get to the place, and he only makes me pay $5 because he says, "ohhh, yeeeah, you were right. i thought you said clybourn."

sigh.

so now, i'm all tense and annoyed and hoping that i can calm down enough to enjoy the massage.

well, that of course won't be happening because my masseuse smells like a fucking homeless person.

that's right. B.O. to the high fucking heavens. and of course, i had sprung for the extra long 90 minute session.

back in the day, miss misc started a list of people who cannot have stank breath on the job. today, i'd like to start a list of people who cannot have a general stank on the job, and a masseuse is at the top of that list.

there are approximately 8 hours left in the day and more planned birfday events. if i manage to make it through without getting puked/pissed/or spat on by some miscellaneour, i'll consider it a moderate success.

Let's Try This One More Time

2008-09-11T16:50:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am again...unemployed. Not an ideal situation for a single gal who is not independently wealthy, but I'm not sweating it. "The Crazy" I attracted this time was too much to handle, so I bounced, besides I was still a temp anyways.

I personally think I am wise beyond my years and have figured out something that most people discover in their late 50s and 60s: I ain't gotta do shit I don't wanna do and I ain't gotta take no shit off nobody. Therefore, I will either a) discover my dream job; or b) win the lottery.

If I start posting pictures of myself in a bikini, it's the latter.

Later haters!

P.S. I woke up at 9:30 this morning and proceeded to lounge at the Dunkin Donuts, what were you doing?

More than Words Can Say

2008-08-12T20:12:00.003-05:00

Somehow I am still working my "temporary" assignment six months later. And somehow I have once again attracted a crazy ass boss. She is so buh, that I cannot properly explain it in words (hence the picture of Extreme to the right, yeah, i didn't know the name of the group either but the song was hot.) You must witness the craziness first-hand. But allow me to create a mental image:

Mom jeans
A pooch that is both scary and fascinating
80's perm
Strange 80's dresses with belts that clasp in the back instead of the front
Chain smoking
Large eyeglasses
A habit of wearing the same shit two days in a row
Divorcee' and damn bitter about it

Oh, and last but not least, utterly useless, incompetent and argumentative. I have worked for many an asshole, but in their defense, they all somewhat knew how to do their jobs . This lady is just coasting along until someone notices that the lights are off cause the bill hasn't been paid and the staff has quit. I may have to start shaking my ass for money cause I'm not sure how much longer I'll last under these conditions.

Shit I hate about summer

2008-05-21T19:57:00.002-05:00

I know I know. Me and Buhster complain endlessly when the cold weather hits and we beg for a reprieve. Now that it's warming up I'm still complaining. That's because I'm an asshole and I get to do that.

Allow me to tell you the shit I hate about Spring/Summer:

1. Squirrels--those little bastards are creepy and crazy, running around like they ain't got no damn sense and scaring the shit out of me with their beady little eyes.

2. Frisbee--is it a hobby, is it a sport, or is it just a bunch of douches running back and forth across a landscaped yard without their shirts on?

3. Pigeons--I don't even want to get into my hatred of all birds

4. Stank asses--deodorant is important to use year-round people, year-round

5. Ugly men with nice cars--they seem to think that the sunlight will blind me into thinking they're cute while they ride past being obnoxious

6. Naked women--sigh, put some clothes on

7. Company picnics--we're all going to be forced into social interaction, sometimes on our own damn time, with people we'd rather only see between the hours of 9-5.

Query: Crackhead Compliments

2008-05-21T19:52:00.004-05:00

I'm still rocking the weave and I released my inner ghetto-girl with some cornrows and some corkscrews that I stole off the head of some poor Chinese woman. I'm walking down the street and a bonafide crackhead was like "oooh girl, I like your hair!"

This gave me pause. Can you believe the compliment of a crackhead? Or is it like getting hit on by a homeless man who tells you, you sure do look good...yeah buddy, and so does a free chicken dinner.

"Anything goes when it comes to hoes because pimpin ain't easy"....Big Daddy Kane

2008-04-16T20:52:00.002-05:00

So the other reason I haven't been posting is because I've been getting my groove back. It's amazing what a weave and a couple of crunches can do for a girls social life. The other day I actually had two dates (one for lunch, one for drinks.)

And as I sat in a black Lexus with leather interior, I thought "now this is the lifestyle that da Miss Misc" can become accustomed to.

Now this recent success was not instant. I kissed a couple of frogs to get to this point. Allow me to entertain you with my exploits. Real names have been adjusted to protect the identities of the triflin mofos that have been asking me out:

Mr. Can I get some ass with that backyard burger: This dude took me out for drinks, I got a burger, and that apparently must be code for free ass. Before date #2 he was already inviting himself to sit on my couch while I rubbed his back. Ummm, excuse me, but the last time I checked dating required an actual date.

Mr. Crush Gone Wrong: This guy should have been the father of my children. I had a huge crush on him and finally got the nerve up to say hi, which of course led to him getting the digits. But before we made it to conversation #2 and a real date, he was texting me, TEXTING, talking about he wanted to get some. God damn, what happened to getting me drunk first? I am a lady.

Mr. Why didn't we have that second date: After a year, some guy I went out with once then promptly dodged, decided that it was okay to ask me out again cause he figured my number was already in his phone (thank god I've changed it). After informing me that we should go out again, he then proceeded to ask me my name. Hold up you asshole, you wanna go out again, you've kept my number for a year, you're chatting me up, but you don't know my name?? Gets to stepping please.

Now there are a couple of good prospects on the horizon, but I won't mention them on here until they do something to piss me off. I'll keep ya'll posted.

The Best Damn Question I've Been Asked in 2008

2008-04-16T20:42:00.003-05:00

Miss Misc reporting in and apologizing for her month-long absence to share with you, what I do believe to be the best damn question I've been asked this year.

So I'm chilling hard at work, as I often do, when a student pops into the office brandishing a stapler.

Him with strange European accent: "Excuse me. I am looking for what goes in this stapler. I'm not sure how you call them?"

Miss Misc: "Ummm, you mean staples?"

Him: "Ahhh, yes. Staples, that makes sense."

It was such a genuine questions that I couldn't even call him an asshole for it. In fact, since I'm no longer surrounded by assholes I'm running out of posts...almost

Oh Where, oh where has my Buhster gone?

2008-03-17T22:04:00.004-05:00

Dear God,

It's me, Miss Misc. I know I've been a huge asshole in the past, but can you please find my friend Buhster? She's about 5'7" 1oo and something pounds, dark hair, kind of yellow. She has a delightful disposition when she's not being a total asshole and telling people to get out of her way.

If you find her for me, I will stop tripping people on the street, I will take my bag off of the seat next to me on the bus and stop using the handicapped bathroom stalls cause they're more spacious and shit.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

Um...Amen.

Miss Misc

Pardon Me While I Nap For The Next 2 Years

2008-03-10T22:33:00.002-05:00

After infiltrating the top secret world of TEMPS (those employed minus pseudo supervisors) I have decided that I would rather not work a real job ever again. Today I was at my assignment that will basically last as long as I friggin feel like coming to it and I was strangely at peace. No computer hence no e-mail, no phone number to distribute, surrounded by happy people who know a good job when they see it and therefore refuse to quit. The most recent hire has been there four years and another lady has been there for 50!

I somehow scored another office versus a cubicle(how I keep doing that I have no idea) and the people I'm working for are actually, dare I say, self-sufficient. Praise the lord, hallelujah, I have found the promise land. Did I mention the Robinson's ribs that I shall partake in for lunch on a weekly basis? Or the fact that I can walk home in 20 minutes?

I know I'm not an idle person and I'm all adventurous and shit, but dude, I might just hide out in this job for as long as possible until they figure out that they fired me two years ago and someone just forgot to tell me.

My Sincere Apologies to the Human Resources Department

2008-02-28T22:47:00.002-06:00

Miss Misc here and I've recently gone undercover as a "temp" to investigate what really goes on in the HR department of a large university.

What I saw was terrifying. My extremely intelligent friends/guest bloggers are always talking about how fucking retarded people are in general, but I had a first hand look at it today. It seems that we take for granted common sense. You wouldn't believe some of the phone calls and e-mails I had to answer.

Example:

"Can you please send me back a detailed list of what you didn't like about my resume and why I didn't get a call back?"...ummm, no.

"I keep applying and applying and you guys won't hire me!"...yo fault.

"Can you tell me what the requirements are to work there?"...sigh, well sir, requirements differ for the 597 jobs currently posted.

"Here's my resume. Can you match me up with the jobs I'm qualified for and send me the list?"...delete button.

"Your site is difficult to navigate. You must not want people to apply." Hey asshole, thanks for the unsolicited opinion, I'll be sure to add you to our "do not call" list.

It was truly fascinating to work there for a day and to observe the true origin of the word miscellaneousness.

My undercover assignment ends tomorrow but I will attempt to provide you all with a full report.

Miss Misc, over and out..............(bitches...heheheheh)

Asshole of the Day

2008-02-19T21:07:00.002-06:00

Hip Hop Dance Instructors with No Rhythm

Because it's -15 degrees outside I'm depending on Comcast to provide me with my daily workout. Unfortunately, they are allowing anyone off the street to appear on Exercise TV.

Listen asshole, if you're going to promote yourself as "hip hop (fill-in the body part)" or use the word booty in your workout title, I expect you to have an iota of rhythm in your body. Watching you dance offbeat is making me dizzy.

Unemployment: The Final Frontier

2008-02-15T21:40:00.002-06:00

I regret to inform you that I am absolutely not enjoying my unemployment thus far. In fact, I have only averaged about 1/2 hour more sleep per day. It takes more energy to pursue jobs you want than to sit behind a desk at a job you don't want IM'ing your friends...I mean working hard.

However, I have been able to observe things I have not been privy to the last 12 years that I've been a working woman.

Things I have discovered:

--Lots of people don't work during the day
--Apparently going to the gym at 3pm is popular
--Old people like to hang out at the post office
--There's always traffic
--"Cheaters" comes on twice a day, making it to me, more watched than Oprah

A Request to Mayor Daley

2008-01-31T14:45:00.001-06:00

Dear Mayor Daley,

Seeing as how it looks like the mother fuckin' tundra outside, we'd like to ask that you shut down the city tomorrow so that our asses don't have to go to work.

If you agree to our request, we shall make you the Grand Poobah of Les Misc for the day. Think about it.

Hugs and Kisses,
Buhster and Miss Misc

Cause I'd Rather Be Homeless Than Take Your Shit

2008-01-29T22:39:00.000-06:00

Ummm, yeah, Miss Misc has a confession...I kind of, sort of, quit my job today.
Do I what? Oh no, I don't have another one yet. Nope, not independently rich yet either. Sugardaddy? Haven't found one. Am I crazy? Perhaps, but I would rather walk dogs, make mochalattes and wash cars in my bikini singing Bohemian Rhapsody than work for these bitch ass hoes any longer.

I gave a two-week notice, but I'm considering calling in sick 10 days in a row. Cough cough assholes.

Miss Misc +1 and an unemployment check
Witches of Eastwick + my current salary and benefits...oh well

Asshole of the Day

2008-01-19T20:39:00.000-06:00

The Straddler Asshole

So I'm in the grocery store with a full cart, shopping like I got 3 kids and a husband. I go to get in one of the lines but I'm strangely blocked...by not one, but two assholes who couldn't decided which line they were in. Both had their carts parked horizontally, waiting to see which line would go faster. This is essence blocked four check out lines. Listen you fucking retards, can you pick a line and go with it? The 45 seconds you save by line-hopping is really not much in the scheme of your miserable fucking life. In the immortal words of Ludacris "move bitch get out the way."

I retract that last post; the world is indeed full of assholes

2008-01-13T19:33:00.000-06:00

Not 24 hours after I turned in my platinum asshole card , somebody decided to be me. That's right, good ol' identity theft. I'll take a bit of responsibility I dropped my wallet with an ATM card I had just activated. But whoever the ASSHOLE was who found it spent $1,800 in less than 5 hours.

I'd like to shoot someone right now, but instead I'm going to continue the experiment, cause if I find the motherfucker who decided to fill up three of his friends' gas tanks on my dime, I'm going to go to jail.

My Life as A Non-Asshole: Day 1

2008-01-11T21:53:00.000-06:00

Uhhhh, woah. Being a non-asshole seems to be paying off. Today I woke up cursing my bosses and promptly called in sick. This had been planned for over a week, as I had lined up two job interviews and planned to attend a career fair. For some strange reasons the stars decided to align. I went to the fair and made a bunch of great contacts. I ran into a guy who I would holla at if he seriously weren't smaller than me in height and width. I decided to stick him in the "maybe one day" column and planned to meet (platonically) tomorrow.

I went to my first interview at a huge corporation and the guy loved me (gay men often do.) I'll know what's up with that next week.

I went to my second interview and they loved me too. While I was doing that I got a message from another company who wants me to come interview and has already been grilling my former colleague about me. According to her they're going to go after me.

I proceeded to flirt/grin at every man around and was promptly chased around by a homeless guy and a cook at Harold's Chicken.

Then lo and behold my booty call asked me to go out with him and pack my bags for a sleepover (ah hem.) Damn, if I'd known it'd be like this I would have turned my asshole card in a long time ago.

Assholeness Attracts Assholeness: A Case Study

2008-01-10T22:08:00.000-06:00

You guys will never believe this, but in real life, I'm really not that big of an asshole. In fact, I'd go as far as to call myself an optimist. I'm usually the one telling people that they stepped in shit so that they'd go to the nearest watersource to rinse it off and fall in love with their soulmate.

So imagine my surprise when I started reading a book that professed that basically assholes attract assholes and assholish situations. Could it be that this blog and my frequent use of the word asshole (even if it's all an internal conversation) could be the cause of my current distress?

How can it be my fault that I attract assholes and that I feel the need to write about those punk ass bitches in my very own blog forum? I'd like to write the author(s) to ask how in the hell I brought this shit upon myself. It ain't my fault that I work for the Witches of Eastwick. Sigh, so in attempt to change my fate, I am going to conduct a highly scientific study and stop being an asshole and stop calling others assholes for an entire week. I will need your encouragement to get through what I'm sure will be a very difficult time for me.

Damn, New Year, Same ol' Shit

2008-01-03T23:04:00.000-06:00

I think Buhster and Phukker would agree that the new year seemed to bring with it a lot of the same damn problems. Though it is only January 3, we each sat at work with our own set of problems and an ever growing list of why we hate our jobs. However, it wasn't until I went to the gym (in attempt to work off some stress) that I realized just how miserable I was.

Not one, but two men I've chatted with casually came up to me and asked how my job search was going. Both wanted me to cheer up and keep my head up. I mean damn ya'll, I literally don't know either of these guys' last names yet they know I'm job hunting like a fiend? I must have a stamp on my forehead that says "PLEASE SAVE ME FROM ASSHOLES." Would it be inappropriate to post my resume on the blog? Cause it has come to that.

Non Asshole of the Day

2007-12-17T00:07:00.000-06:00

My Grammy:

My family is huge, I have 12 aunts and uncles on my mom's side alone and I have no idea how many cousins...too many cause my uncles can't seem to wrap it up. Anyways, it always amazes me that my Grandma remembers everyone's bday. I opened her card today and out falls five dollar bills and an IOU. It's about the best present I've ever gotten. I don't know they last time she had a paying job (she's in her 70s), but I can just imagine her pulling some money out of her bra and stuffing it into the envelope. Awwwww.

Query: Heeled Snow Boots? Fashion Forward or Oxymoron? You be da judge.

2007-12-09T18:15:00.000-06:00

I ain't gonna hate on the girl, she was cute with her short coat, fitted jeans and ...heeled snow boots? This gave me pause...I mean, yes they completed the outfit and I'm sure her feet and calves were toasty. But won't putting 3inch heels on snow boots (meant to stabilize you on slippery surfaces) totally eliminate their original purpose?

Was she committing a fashion faux pas? What designer figured out that women are so vain that we would actually try to still look cute in freezing temperatures and treacherous conditions? My initial reaction was to nominate her as our special "Asshole, Winter 2007" but did she really do anything wrong?

As I looked down at my clunky $20 boots irreparably damaged from trudging through salt and not being washed off, I was wondering if I should invest in more fashionable snow boots myself.

This query must be solved my friends! please post your votes:

Don't bust yo ass
or
Walk around with klass

The Roach, The Boogie and The Midget

2007-12-08T17:25:00.000-06:00

Twas an eventful week on the CTA my friends. As budget cuts loom, it's comforting to know that I'll always run across something totally outlandish and/or disgusting while riding the express:

The roach who tipped his hat: I was sitting in the back, trying to figure out how to put a hit out on both my bosses without it seeming suspicious, when I heard a British accent say, "Good Day Madam." I looked around to see who it was, low and behold, it was a very dignified roach sitting on the window sill. He then proceeded to tip his hat and scurry away. This may be a slight exaggeration, the point being, wtf was a roach doing next to me on the bus!?
Booger Fingers: Stumbling toward the backdoor of the bus to hop off, when I see an older woman, who had apparently mistaken her nose for the Klondike, ho was truly digging like there was gold up in there. Nasty ass then proceeded to put her booger fingers on every single surface she could find before hopping off. Makes you think twice about holding the rail with a bare hand.

Midgets need love to: It's an ongoing joke that I only attract certain kinds of men, that being the ones I don't like, who are short, and too old for me. Now the bus midget, who also goes to my gym (cause everybody goes to my gym apparently) seems to be a nice guy. But if I'm 5'5" and I'm looking down on you, we have a problem, a big problem. It's sad though, he's one of the few men I've met lately who is gainfully employed and actually seems decent. Maybe I'm being short-sighted (ba dum buh). I have a lot of growing to do as a person (te he he)
I am such an asshole.

Asshole of the Day

2007-12-03T16:26:00.000-06:00

As chosen by Buhster and Mr. Opinion...

THE ALL CAPS ASSHOLE

USING ALL CAPS IN YOUR E-MAIL DOES NOT MAKE YOUR MESSAGE ANY MORE IMPORTANT, NOR DOES IT MAKE PEOPLE READ AND RETAIN YOUR MESSAGE. IT JUST MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT, ASSHOLE.

Asshole of the Day

2007-11-29T18:50:00.000-06:00

"Do you need a ride?" Guy

Sigh, this one was tough to nominate since they usually have good intentions, but this public service announcement goes out to all the men who have offered me rides home in the past month and seem genuinely surprised when I keep on walking.

Let me break it down for you fellas:

-I don't know you. The name you just gave me could be an alias, possibly the stolen identity of the man's body you have in the trunk of your SUV (it's always an SUV.)

-Driving down the street slowly and yelling at me from the window is annoying and scary.

-You want me to get into your car and strap myself in with a strong piece of elastic meant to restrain me from being able to get out of the vehicle quickly.

-You want me to tell you where I live.

-You're usually not attractive either...not that it affects my decision to accept the ride...much

So Many Assholes, So Little Time

2007-11-18T17:37:00.000-06:00

Damn. I have discovered that total and utter misery makes you totally unproductive. Note that since me and Buhster have become beyond disgruntled, we've stopped posting because we consider the whole world to be assholes, thus making it too much of an effort to keep up with Les Misc's Asshole of the Day.

However, I will attempt to think back and come up with highlights from the last few week:

1. Both of my bosses are supremo assholes. As I walked up to them to ask a question, they stopped talking, looked totally guilty, and pasted on smiles. Gee, I thought we were out of high school. They then proceeded to not answer my question.

2. Offices on different time zones: Dear West Coast office: you cannot make a request at 3pm PST for something you'd like by EOD. Cause guess what, by the time we get your request (which is always something that could have waited until the next day) it's already EOD for us. Thanks for keeping me at the office until 8pm on a Friday night bitches.

3. The Super Bitch who won't admit it: I don't know about you, but I can respect a person who embraces their inner asshole and let's it shine through proudly. What I can't respect is someone who acts like they're super nice, then flips the script on you like Jekyll and Hyde.

Asshole of the Day As Chosen By Phukker

2007-11-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

All of Us

This is sad.

We want the day to be over and it just started. Remember hating that the street lights went on, cause that was the beginning of the end. Now at the beginning we wish for the day to just end, to get all of the drudgery over with, so we can really get on with our lives. What happened to those kids who couldn't wait for the sun to rise, who had a great time hanging out on neighborhood stoops, jumping rope, playing house, hide and go seek, freeze tag? All day long, even when we didn't have anything to do we still didn't want it to just end. We did want to be big though, so we could do what we wanted to do, go where we wanted to go, and stay out past those street lights going on. Now that we are big, we don't care about playing, discovering and just hanging out. We want to get inside before those orbs light the street, to get ready for another day of let's just get this over with. So we are the assholes of the day, for forgetting, and letting all of the miscellaneous get us down.

Asshole of the Day

2007-10-31T14:48:00.000-05:00

PR Professors

Chosen by Buhster again...

Why didn't you warn us? Where were the big red flags? Why didn't you tell us it'd be like...this? Sure, we knew our jobs wouldn't be easy and that every career comes with its ups and its downs. But does every job come with this amount of ass-kissing? With this amount of ball-less-ness of our superiors? With this amount of churn and burn with no regard to logic or good strategy?

Miss Misc and I are currently in a career crisis. So please...tell us...does anybody out there actually like their job? Does anybody out there actually believe in what they're doing and believe that it truly makes a difference? People always say that your job shouldn't be everything, but the fact remains that we spend the vast majority of our time each week at work. So what do you do when you realize the career you've chosen for yourself...the one you've spent thousands upon thousands of dollars getting a degree for...is pure crap?

Miscellaneousness abounds. And it just landed on my head and took a big shit.

Asshole of the Day as Chosen by Buhster...

2007-10-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

The Middleman

Sadly, I am the asshole of the day. I just spent the last three days serving as the middleman in between my boss and this vendor that she doesn't want to deal with herself. So I had the displeasure of having her tell me to tell him things that she wanted in her contract only to have him tell me to relay to her an issue with the contract and to ask her more questions that I couldn't answer myself...at which point, my boss got very angry and told me to tell him that she said she feels like he's trying to bully us into signing a contract a month earlier.

The worst part about it is that the reason I'm obliging is because I'm too tired to fight anymore. And that makes me the asshole of the day.

Self-Inflicted Miscellaneousness

2007-10-23T22:07:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had a temporary lapse of sanity. Friday night I was attempting to maintain my mysteriousness with trainer boy (based on the advice of Coco and Buhster) and I succeeded, until he dropped me off and mentioned that there was parking in front of my building. This is it I thought, reel him in. So I offer another meal, he accepts and 2hrs later he's passed out on my couch while I finish watching Transformers. I am quite pleased with myself.

Fast forward to Saturday morning when he's waking up in my bed (sigh, nothing happened, I swear). Fast forward to Saturday night when he's knocking on my door at 2am...keep pressing that button and it's 10am Sunday morning and I'm rubbing on his Money Over Bitches tattoo and convincing him that we don't know each other well enough to have sex.

I know I know, I said I wanted to hit that and have him retake my virginity, but if you know me at all, you know I talk a lot of shit. As I watched him scarf down 5 whole wheat pancakes like he hadn't eaten in days, I wondered, "how in the hell did I get myself into this situation?"

This my friends, is a classic case of self-inflicted miscellaneousness. This all could have been avoided very easily if I'd kept my mouth shut and hormones in check. I thought I could outsmart miscellaneousness, but that is just about impossible. I guess that makes me a miscellaneour for causing my own drama.

So today I found myself on the way to the gym, coming up with strategery for how I was going to act like I didn't know what my trainer's boxers looked like. And not to mention that extreme paranoia that comes when you did something your ass didnt have no business doing and you think everyone is watching you. Sigh, where's my miscellaneousness shield when I need it?

Can Someone Please Tell Me What Color My Fucking Parachute Is?

2007-10-22T19:32:00.001-05:00

I need to know what the meaning of life is before I fucking off myself. It was seriously one of those days, where you first get mad at your situation, then you break into hysterical laughter, then you get kind of sad and shit, all within the course of 3.5 minutes. I hate my job. I think I've been able to establish this, but today was a whole new level of bullshit:

1. I received an email forward from one of my 15 bosses from our client. There was a small edit to one of our documents...a very small edit. In fact, the edit was to please remove a misplaced period.
So let me get this fucking straight: you need us to remove a period. You typed a 50 word e-mail to describe the location of the period, instead of pressing the delete button. Sigh, okay, the client is always right. But what's my fucking boss' excuse for replying to the client and forwarding a note to me to make the change. That just amounted to 3 fucking e-mails to remove a period.

2. I received an email forward from Pseudo Boss asking me to find out the location and time of a meeting for our client. Seems normal, until you take into account the following facts:
-As an underling, I have no client contact and therefore no contacts to ask these questions
- The fucking meeting in question is at the client's company...in San Francisco. So she probably has to walk down the hall and isn't sure where to go. This is the equivalent of walking into McDonald's and asking them to call Burger King to price out a Whopper. You want me to find out what's going on at your company instead of you, gee using your own admin or e-mailing one of your colleagues, or maybe fucking asking one of them while you're both in the kitchen heating up streudel.

I need to know the fucking color of my parachute and I need to know NOW.

Chili: The way into a man's pants and other weekend highlights

2007-10-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

Before ya'll get all excited, no, I did not get some this weekend. However, I did discover that no man can turn down a bowl of homemade chili. I was able to successfully coerce my non-beef, non-pork, non-white sugar, non-white flour eating personal trainer over to my place for a bowl of chili, some cornbread and some sweet tea. Thus breaking just about every one of his dietary rules.

Regretfully, he was a total gentleman and it was a totally innocent evening. I sent him home with lunch in my good Tupperware and hopefully a good impression. Friends, when the spandex didn't work, I had to break out the big guns. Anyways, allow me to leave you with other tales from my oh-so interesting life:

Cream in my coffee: I do declare that I was flirting with a white guy at the grocery store this weekend...and it wasn't so bad. I've obviously been hanging around Ms. Coco too much. He's actually kind of a cutie, has a body (he goes to my gym) and apparently likes to chat up girls in the dairy aisle.

Ready...set...hike hike: On the #6 bus when I look over and see a cute little old man in his Bears jersey carrying a football. It was all good until he started to run plays...alone...on Michigan Ave. He even ran up to the bus and I seriously think he was about to throw the ball through the window.

Entrepreneurship at its best: Still on the #6 bus, when I look over and see a man selling food out of a box. Ummm, a homeless man, selling expired, unwrapped, lightly used food, out of a box. I wonder if he had any takers. Hey, you can't blame him for getting his hustle on.

100-60=40: Goddammit, despite all my hard work I once again wound up getting chased down the street by an old man. There's something about me in a sweat suit with no make-up that really riles the fellas up. So this guy, who I had a 1 minute conversation with on the bus last week, spotted me and chased me down the street until I decided to stop and hear him out. He proceeded to give me the digits, then asked me how old I was. When I told him he seemed relieved since I apparently look a lot younger. Ummm, if that's the case, shouldn't you have asked me before you gave me your number? If I was 16 instead of 26 would you have taken pause? For some reason I doubt it. He then proceeded to have me guess his age and was proud to announce he was 40. SIGH. Asshole. But I may get a free lunch out of him, just for the fun of it.

So what did you do this weekend?

Asshole of the Day

2007-10-09T22:35:00.000-05:00

Sneak-a-peek guy

I'm serious about my health, I try to hit the gym five times a week. I've even hired a personal trainer (who has the body of a god and who I'd love to take my virginity...er, reborn virginity, but that is another post.) Anyways, it can be quite hard to work out when you feel eyes boring through your shirt, down your sports bra and up your shorts. It got so bad tonight that my trainer laid a towel across my butt during one of the exercises and was like "damn girl, these guys in here are trying to sneak a peek."

Fellas, thanks for trying to give me a gynecological exam from 10 feet away, that's very nice of you to think about my cervical health. But I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your eyes straight forward and concentrate on your form...and not mine.

Dude, this ain't no fucking .25 peep show. Avert the eyes asshole.

Asshole of the Month

2007-09-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

Creepy, Can't Take a Hint Guy

Believe it or not, I'm usually a pretty nice person. In fact, I'd say the niceness outshines the assholishness on most days. But that nice shit can backfire on you. I was having a great weekend, minding my own business, eating brownies and frappuccino for breakfast, mindlessly spending money at Target on pure miscellaneousness, running errands when I run into an old coworker.

I go out of my way to say hi and we chat for a while. I decide I need to keep running errands so I can be home and settled for Desperate Housewives, so I tell Mr. Creepy I have to go. He walks me out (hmmm, nice of him) and continues to walk with me down to my next errand. Not incredibly strange, so we keep chatting. After 5 blocks I'm like "uh yeah, well I gotta go grocery shopping," so Mr Creepy is like okay and follows me into the store where he proceeds to pull out a cart. By this time my weird-dar (not nearly as fine tuned as my gaydar) begins to beep, cause we aint the fucking Cosby's and I was not about to grocery shop with a random ex-coworker (who has always been very weird, scary and creepy now that I think about it.) So, I grab a basket, tell him I gotta hurry and I'll holla if I see him. So he goes to the cash machine and I breathe a sigh of relief, until I get to the front of the store 20 minutes later and see him waiting for me! My weird dar is now doing the Chicken Dance and telling me to run like the wind. So I nervously wait for checkout since I can't just drop my shit at this point.

So when he tries to take my bags, I'm like, "dude, nice to see ya, but I gotta go." I walk out the store like an Olympic speedwalker and try to figure out the quickest route home. This is when he decides he's been slighted and he goes off on me. So apparently he feels like I'm making him look like a pervert cause I'm walking away. Somehow it's my fault that he's been following me around like a puppy for the past 45 minutes.

Listen, Can't Take a Hint Guy, I told you about 50 million times that unlike you, I have a life and shit to do. Don't be taking it out on me cause you hate the world and got fired 4 months ago and aint got no job (that's a whole 'nother post.)

So now, big sigh, based on advice from Buhster, I gotta go buy mace cause the Asshole of the Month lives a block away and he's just crazy enough to take vengeance on my ass. Now ain't this about some bullshit? This is why being nice is dumb and being an asshole to everyone always pays off.

Oh the pic? That's the episode of the Twilight Zone that always scared the shit out of me, not unlike Creepy Guy.

I want my mommy! But HR will have to do

2007-09-27T21:40:00.000-05:00

After four months of having a non-managing manager, I finally put my foot down and screamed "I can't take it anymore!" Actually what really happened is that I sent a cryptic e-mail (i.e. cry for help) to the HR department, so they set up a meeting so I could cry on their shoulder. It was great, like having my own personal cheerleaders. They did a lot of smiling and note taking. It was like being on Dr. Phil.

They even assigned me a new friend. I know, it sounds a bit pitiful, but it's to the point where I need a fake buddy to pat me on the back once a week. I'll have to keep ya'll posted on this situation cause reviews are next week, and it's about to get interesting.

Asshole of the Day

2007-09-20T21:49:00.000-05:00

False Sense of Urgency Guy

Where's the fire, where's the fire? Oh, there's no fire? Just a little bit of smoke? Oh...no smoke either? You just anticipate smoke in the near future so you'd like me to start working on our response to a potential crisis, just in case?

To all the people in the world who create a false sense of urgency, you my friends, are assholes.
As I sat at my desk today at 7PM, I wondered why the hell all of a sudden it was so important to finish the project that I put on my boss' desk 3 weeks ago. I also wondered why she waited until the night before my long weekend to pop into my office at 6pm to hand me her edits. And why all of a sudden is there an imaginary deadline looming? Me thinks you should take your little red editing pen, stick it in a pile of poo, then stick it in your eye.

Contributing to the Deliquency of a Minor

2007-09-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

I got a call from my sister today. It seems that my 2-year-old nephew bit someone at school because he wanted their toy. Oh well, I have been known to bite people to get what I want as well. But apparently he's also been getting his teachers to back the hell up off him and leave him alone by holding his arm up and waving his hand in the "whatever" motion. I am quite proud to admit that I am teaching him how to be an asshole!

A few months ago, he didnt want me to pick him up so I said "forget you" and made a noise and waved my hand at him. He thought it was hilarious and hasn't stopped doing it since.

This all contributed to his first official pre-pre-preschool "write up." He is also the originator of the term "buh," which is now indispensable to my vocabulary.

The process of being a true asshole is very complicated. It took me years to really get it down, but he is learning early, shit, I dare say he's a prodigy.

Asshole of the Day

2007-09-13T21:01:00.000-05:00

Stank Guy

There has been an obvious disconnect between you and your soap because there is no way that lather has touched that ass in at least 4-5 days. My nosehair is being singed and I'm starting to get a tummy ache from the fumes you are emitting. I feel like I'm standing in back of a Gremlin that is being started up for the first time in 10 years and kicking out exhaust.

Frankly it's unfair that you get to sit next to me and smell my various fragrances ( I work hard to match my body wash to my shampoo to my lotion) while I have to inhale your noxiousness. I would greatly appreciate it if you would hsaw ruoy ssa. (I thought that if I spelled it out for you backwards maybe you'd get the point)

This message also goes out to every woman who still thinks it's 1992 and therefore okay to wear White Diamonds. You smell like ass as well.

The Cavemen had it Right

2007-09-09T19:24:00.000-05:00

After several electronic breakdowns this weekend, I have surmised that this supposed "age of technology" is a bunch of bullshit. I had far less trouble when we used rotary phones, when written correspondence required a $0.23 stamp and when cable consisted of HBO, Showtime or Starz.

But we had to go and get fancy with it, we want to be able to carry our phones in our pockets and take pictures with them. We need instantaneous communication with our friends, and God forbid you take away our 100 channels when we really only watch 3 of them anyways.

Friday night I found myself utterly helpless as I had a barely intelligible conversation with the Comcast guy trying to arrange a repairman for my internet and cable that werent working. This was made very difficult by the fact that my cell phone doesnt really work in my apartment. As I woke up at 830am on Saturday morning to let the cable guy in I cursed humanity and my dependence on all this electronic crap. Now it's Sunday and dagnabbit after two trips to the Sprint store I still find myself with a piece of shit phone that doesnt work and a brand new 2-year contract. I'm about to get rid of it all and save myself $200 a month. To all my friends who need to holla, shit, you know where to find me.

Asshole of the Day

2007-09-09T18:58:00.000-05:00

Umbrellas

These should be considered weapons. I saw two fights nearly break out in one day as a result of people being utterly careless when it came to where they were walking. A note to umbrella carriers:

-When you have an open umbrella, the diameter of your head has been expanded by at least a foot; you're taking up a lot more room than you think you are
-There is water rolling off of your umbrella, so if you tilt back, anyone behind you is going to get wet
-There are pointy pieces of metal surrounding you, any sudden movements could result in temporary blindness to an unsuspecting bystander
-No more than two people can fit under a standard umbrella, any more than that looks silly

4th Time's the Charm: This is War

2007-08-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today, for the fourth time in my short 26 3/4 years on this earth I was shit on by a nasty-ass bird. Let me recall these incidents in my life:

Shit #1: Minding my own damn business at the Seattle Center, near the Space Needle, when a bird came out of nowhere and shit on my shoulder.

Shit #2: Minding my own damn business somewhere in Homewood, IL when a woman stopped me to tell me there was bird shit down the back of my khaki jacket.

Shit #3: Minding my own business, sitting in the passenger seat of a car...with the window 1/2 rolled up, eating ice cream, when cookies and cream splatters on me. I look over at my ex, but he couldn't have done it. So I look to the guy in the next car, thinking some random asshole threw ice cream at me. But he sure was keeping a straight face to be guilty. I then realize that against all odds, the laws of gravity, and through a car window, a fucking bird had found my right hand.

Shit #4: Minding my own motherfucking business, when something plops on my arm, it was only a matter of time before one of the 50 million fat pigeons that hang out at corner bakery got me.

This is FUCKING war. And I will win, I will prevail and rid the city of pigeons. The fucking pigeon-caust has arrived.

I plan to carry rice in my pocket and sprinkle it up and down the streets of Chicago, sort of like Tim Robbins did with his cell wall when he was escaping during The Shawshank Redemption. I heard it makes them blow up. If that doesnt work, I'll carry around a dozen red ballons every day and release them into the sky on my way to work.

Won't you join me in my fight against the nastiest red-eyed beasts on Earth?

Query: Do Gay Men Flirt with Women?

2007-08-27T20:18:00.000-05:00

As much as I chase men and lust after them, I can be quite oblivious to any overt attention I receive from one. For the last couple of months I've been chatting (in-person, not online, so you should be proud of me) with a guy who goes to my gym. I met him when I hired him as a physical trainer for my sister. He's really cute, we're almost the exact same age (less than 24 hours apart) and lord knows the things I could do to that body. But for once in my life, I'm not attracted to him, because...well ummm, I think he's gay. In fact, my gaydar beeps and flashes code red anytime he's in the vicinity.

But I can no longer ignore the fact that he's flirting with me. Today as I was sweating and complaining about my 24% body fat he kept telling me how cute I was. Coming from any other man I would have taken that as a marriage proposal, but from him it rolled right off. So query me this: Do gay men tease straight women? Do they want to see if they could get some of the vajayjay despite their sexual orientation? Should I be flirting back? And most importantly...could my gaydar need some fine-tuning?

Asshole of the Day

2007-08-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

Memorial Drives

I understand that there are lots of remarkable people in the world; Marky Mark, Scary Spice, Fergie;, etc. who deserve to be commemorated in some very special way. We really do need to remember the contributions they each made to society. But can you please stop giving everybody and they mama their own street sign! Just cause they were born in this city or flew over it once on their way to a better city, doesn't mean they need their own metropolitan street! My ass got lost yesterday because instead of seeing Harrison Street, there was a little brown sign in honor of some asshole I've never heard of. Please don't force me to write a letter to the city, I get very angry when I have to do that.

Asshole of the Day

2007-08-14T21:04:00.001-05:00

So Called Currency-X-Change

Miss Misc: "Excuse me, I'd like to exchange my Bahamian money for American. It's a direct exchange rate."

Currency Exchange: "Canadian?"

Miss Misc: "No BAhamian"

Currency Exchage: "Ohhhh, we don't take that."

Miss Misc: "Ummm, isn't this the currency exchange?"

Currency Exchange: "Yes, but we only exchange four kinds of currency."

Miss Misc: "Ummm, but there's lots of countries, with lots of money."

Currency Exchange: "Try American Express"

Miss Misc: "Ohhhh, ok."

To make a long story fucking short, I went to American Express, where they tried to give me $23 for my $31. What kind of exchange rate is that!!! They then proceeded to send me to the bank, who wouldn't take it cause they too only accept a few currencies and I wasn't a customer (yeah, well fuck you too Chase) They sent me to my bank, who wouldn't take it either. So I now have $31 of cartoon money in my fucking wallet. $31 is a 2 large pizzas, 1/2 of a bikini wax and 28 cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee. You are dealing with a girl who carries around coupons in her wallet. I am beyond traumatized.

A Bell Boy, A Lifeguard and a Rastafarian Walk Into a Bar

2007-08-14T20:47:00.001-05:00

Just got back from the Bahamas and I'm making a slow recovery from 4 nights and 5 days of acting like a 19-year old. Below are highlights from my trip:

I got a sunburn--for the average white girl, this is no big deal. For the average black girl it's unheard of. I'm peeling and shit and quite proud of this achievement.

I let a miscellaneous bell boy invite himself to my room for a 1/2 hour massage then proceed to drink a beer and watch a movie with me in bed before he decided his "break" was over.

I got into a strange taxi-cab with two strange men in a strange country...twice. Hey, it's a small ass island but a princess like myself never walks.

I wound up at a strange beach with the abovementioned strange rastafarian taxi driver, where he then attempted to conjole me into lewd behavior by promising to give me "the best part of him." I told him thanks but no thanks cause the best part of him was barely visible to the naked eye and not worth my time. I also have a strict 24hr rule before sleeping with any strange men and it had only been 17.

I let a mildly cute lifeguard take my non-swimming ass out on a catamaran. Later that night I proceeded to enter yet another strange car with the lifeguard in order to get a free ride to the club.

I managed to find a midget from Chicago to hit on me.

Oh, and to obtain yet another ride, I agreed to wear boy shirts around my apartment in front of my ex-boyfriend. Damn...I feel like a cheap hooker now. And I CAN'T WAIT to do it again next year.

Asshole of the Day

2007-08-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

Adult Ear Infectons--

Yes, you heard me correctly (ba dum buh) Each year I seem to get a raging ear infection. For the record, I am 26.7 years old, and you are supposed to build up resistance to that shit when you're 2. This is all my mom's fault for not breastfeeding me (which might explain why when I heard about Britney putting soda in her kids' bottles, I didn't think it was a big deal, ahhh, memories)

Thank God for extra-strength aspirin and leftovers from last year's prescription

Update: Asshole Parents

2007-08-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

As if the little shit at the water fountain wasn't bad enough, I had to run past this new little shit who was screaming "HONK HONK" in an oddly belligerent way at everyone who crossed his path...and his parents were walking with him...giggling.

It's not cute, dickwads. Your son's an asshole. Fix it.

-Buhster

Asshole Parents

2007-07-26T10:18:00.001-05:00

Buh-buh-buh-Buhster here...

Anybody who knows me, knows that I am the sweatiest person alive. I could be sitting perfectly still, and my nose will inexplicably start beading up with sweat. So it's no surprise that when I'm running, I look like someone just dumped a bucket of water all over me. I look pretty damn pathetic (and gross).

I say all this because yesterday I decided to run home from work. After running through the heat and humidity in the thick of downtown, dodging meandering miscellaneours on the sidewalk and trying not to suffocate behind the CTA bus exhaust fumes, I finally made it to the Lakeshore Path.

Where I entered, there was a glorious water fountain waiting for me. Unfortunately, just as I was approaching, a family of four (clearly from the suburbs what with mom and her awesome fanny pack attached firmly to her waist) decides to rush to the fountain just before me. Dad goes and drinks, followed by kid #1, kid #2 and then mom. Just as I'm about to get to the fountain, kid #1 jumps back over to the fountain and starts drinking...and drinking...and drinking. And this kid wasn't an innocent little 5 year old who didn't know any better. Had to have been at least 14.

So there I am...standing there...in all my disgusting sweaty glory...panting...waiting...

Worst part about all of it - the asshole parents stood there watching him and then looking at me out of the corner of their eyes.

Why? Why are you knowingly grooming your kids to be assholes? I can guarantee that your walk from Navy Pier to Ohio Street Beach was not all that taxing.

I'm now starting to see why we are able to have an asshole of the day damn near everyday. It's because everyday, asshole parents like these two are creating the future assholes of America.

Miss Misc said if I would've taken him out by the knees, she would've posted bond. Noted for the future.

Keep that in mind, assholes.

My Mommy Said Not to Let People Touch Me

2007-07-21T18:19:00.000-05:00

After being assaulted on Friday by someone who seemed to think he was my friend and therefore allowed to hug up on me, I have created the following list to dispel any confusion over who gets a piece of da Miss Misc:

People who should not touch me:

1. Former co-workers--please, please stop coming up to me on the street and hugging me. I quit so that I wouldn't have to interact with you any longer. Just cause I'm not on the payroll doesnt mean the rules regarding physical boundaries no longer exist. Respect the bubble.
2. Airport security guys--for some reason I always get harassed at the airport. Me thinks you better get away from me with that wand.
3. Randoms at the gym (umm, I don't need you to spot me, please stop hovering)
4. Women with hips--though the touch is unintentional, your body heat is starting to freak me out. There ain't enough room in this seat for 2 sets of hips and I was here first.

A list of people allowed to touch me:

1. Immediate family (mom, siblings, nieces/nephews, grandma)
2. Aunts and uncles upon written request
3. Select in-laws--he/she married you, I didnt.
4. Friends I have seen or had contact with in the past 6-12 months, discluding those who forgot about my 1/2 birthday (assholes)
5. Big and cuddly men who date my friends (you know who you are)
6. My ex-boyfriend (don't ask it's none of your business)
7. Men with Jamaican accents

Asshole of the Day

2007-07-18T20:21:00.000-05:00

The Sidewalk Meeting Asshole:

I understand that you forgot to work out the logistics of where the hell you were going for lunch before you left the building. But must you convene for discussion in the middle of the sidewalk? Do you really need to form a circle so that you are all making eye contact in order to decide if you want Coco Pazzo or Bice?

If I put on my football helmet and run through the middle of your fucking impromptu meeting will you get the point? MOVE IT OR LOSE IT BUSTER!

Love,

Miss Misc

2007-07-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

Domino Effect Asshole

It's true that you should always be a leader and not a follower. But it's human nature to gauge the behavior of other human beings and copy what they're doing. However, because the world runs amuck with assholes (at last count there were at least 1.2 billion, grade A certified assholes in the world) we cannot always trust them. The following is a list of what I like to call the "domino effect" assholes who make us all look stupid:

-The guy who starts running down/up the stairway to the train, making everyone behind him start to run (of course, the train he hears is going in the wrong direction and/or isn't your train anyways)

-The guy you follow to the other grocery store line 'cause he makes you think it's moving faster (it never, ever is)

-The guy you follow down the unfamiliar street cause he looks like he might know where he's going (he is just as lost as you)

-The guy driving the car who seems like he is heading to the nearest freeway ramp (dude, trust me he's not)

-The guy who stands at the front of the bus during rush hour knowing full and well that it's soon going to be packed with assholes who won't go past him to fill up the standing room in the back of the bus

-The guy at a fast food restaurant who finds new ways to shove his trash into a completely full garbage can or just simply places it on top of or around it

-The guy who decides not to ignore the funnel line to get to cashiers and instead hops in right behind someone who looks to be almost done with their transaction

-The guy who slows down to look at the scene of an accident, look at a guy changing his tire, look at a guy who stopped on the side of the road to take a piss, therefore causing other cars to slow down and resulting in a major jam for no reason.

Asshole of the Day

2007-07-09T19:26:00.000-05:00

Deathwish Asshole

It's true that every vehicle is equipped with brakes, even bicycles. This is for the safety of us all. But that does not mean that you should run your silly, death-defying ass across a busy downtown street.

Why did I witness, within the course of five minutes, 10-12 people who decided that yellow and red mean "walk a little faster" across an intersection. Hey asshole, they both mean STOP, not start. One asshole even held his hand out for the cars to stop like he was one of the Supremes.

All I ask is that when you're splattered across the pavement cause the Yellow Cab ran you over, please don't get any of your guts on my leisure shoes. Puma's aren't cheap.

And to the assholes in the wheelchairs who think they're still as mobile as two-legged pedestrians (yeah I said it!) if that little traffic signal isn't fresh and bright white, DO NOT start rolling your ass across the street. You're blocking traffic, move it or lose your only good leg!

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-29T21:37:00.000-05:00

Need a Nap Guy

Do I look like a fucking Sealy Postrurepedic mattress to you? Then why is your head coming dangerously close to my shoulder? When you paid your $2 to get on this bus, it did not include room and board, so take your dragon breath, falling over in your sleep, need a nap ass and get the hell away from me. You're lucky I don't pull out my razor and cut your ass.

UPDATE: Asshole of the Day-It's still me!

2007-06-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

So today, I think I met the elusive Tourette's Girl. Not sure exactly who it is, but I've narrowed it down to two people. Well candidate number one (who always has her door closed, go figure) got on the elevator with me. Surprisingly, she doesn't have a hump or weird body odor. In fact, she's cute. And we actually had a conversation about the retarded ass people who were lined-up to buy that new overpriced Ipod thingamajigger.

However, she seemed really nervous, like she was about to let a scream rip in the packed elevator and she was relieved when the doors opened. Well now I feel like a real asshole cause besides sounding like an extra from a Friday the 13th movie, she's entirely normal.

Perhaps we can be pals, but we'll never go out anywhere. Kind of like the guy who dates the fat girl with the really nice personality.

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

This kid's parents.

Hell to the naw.

I was just on an airplane coming back to Chicago from Vegas for a business trip. If that would've been my plane, someone would've had to come bail me out for unleashing a Buhster-beatdown on those assholes.

Hey Parents,

Assholes aren't born, they're made. All I have to say is - YO FAULT - for raising such a little shit.

Do us all a favor and drive the next time you travel. Scratch that. Just don't leave your house, assholes.

-Buhster

Asshole of the Day: ME!

2007-06-25T23:08:00.001-05:00

I've been waiting for the opportunity to nominate myself for Asshole of the Day, but there's just so many assholes that I run into on a daily basis, that I hesitated to steal such a coveted spot. Well, I am officially nominating myself. I'm usually tolerant, incredibly tolerant, especially about shit that people can't help. Well I am about to lose it...on a girl with Tourette's Syndrome. I know, I know, it's not her fault, God and some fucked up chromosomes made her that way.

But I can't even cry in my office in peace for 20 minutes without her screeching...it's a screech, very much like that of a bird. It's like having a fucking bald eagle two doors down from me. But if I tell her to shut the fuck up, then it's not PC?

If I were screeching like a banshee every 20 minutes someone would tell me to shut the fuck up, so what's up with the double standard?

I will keep ya'll posted on this situation...and if I lose my job over it.

I Sold My Soul for a $2,000 bonus and a coffee machine

2007-06-25T22:57:00.001-05:00

Sigh, damn y'all. It's been a long 8 days. It's 11pm and I'm in my nightie WORKING. WTF! This isn't what was supposed to happen. In my fantasy, I walk into my office, throwing open the draperies and opening the window to let in the fresh air. I walk to the Flavia machine and have a conversation with one of several hotties who work on my floor. I finish all of my work by 10am and then participate in creative brainstorming sessions for the rest of the day, ordering lunch from the nearest French bistro.

Uh, so it really goes something like this: I walk into my windowless office, throw my bag down, run to the Flavia machine and engage in conversation with some intern who most likely knows a lot more than I do. I frantically scan through the 20,000 newsletters I receive every morning on topics I don't care care about but need to know. I start on my neverending project with the totally unrealistic deadline and curse my "boss" for throwing this complicated shit on me. Damn you excel! Damn you to hell!

Funny thing is, I still don't want my old job back...

Am I the Crazy Person?

2007-06-22T15:35:00.000-05:00

Buhster here, on the verge of committing herself to a mental institution...

At my old job, I often found myself asking the question - Am I the crazy person? Because all of the people around me seemed to think that the miscellaneousness that they were thrusting upon me was normal. So it made me think...gee, maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. However, seeing as how many of the normal people who work there have either fled or are currently trying to flee, I was feeling pretty secure in the fact that I wasn't crazy.

Until today.

I don't find myself asking that question much at my new job. However, today I asked it over and over and over again beginning bright and early at 8:20 a.m.

So here's what happened:

Three weeks ago, I called the photographer we use all the time (we'll call him Triflin' Poo or TP for short) to set up a photo shoot for today for a company big-wig. Made it clear that I needed him to do it at our office because of big-wig's schedule and that I would send him the specs for the shoot as they were very, very specific.
E-mailed TP that same day to give him the specs for the shoot.
Called earlier this week to confirm the appointment for today and asked if he got the e-mail with the specs.
E-mailed the specs again after he claimed he never got it.
Got an e-mail LAST NIGHT from TP saying he JUST OPENED the e-mail and thinks it would be easier to do the shoot at his studio.
Call him to tell him that's impossible with big-wig's schedule. He agrees to come to our office.
TP shows up 15 minutes late and takes another 15 minutes to park. Meanwhile, with the help of two co-workers, we're lugging all of his shit up the elevators.
We finally get up to the conference room, and he says it's just too small to do the shot.
I spend the next 45 minutes (after telling big-wig that we'll be delayed by about an hour) trying to find a new location.
I finally find one, only to learn that TP has realized that he forgot his battery packs, which means he has to go back to his studio to get them. He says it'll "only take 20 minutes."

Asshole, I didn't have 20 minutes, 20 minutes ago!

At this point, I was forced to cancel the shoot because I couldn't keep pushing back the schedule on the big-wig.

Seriously, am I the crazy person?

Was it too much to ask that he read his fucking e-mails? Was it too much to ask that a "professional photographer" actually remember to bring all of his equipment?

And while all of this was going on, he had the audacity to say to me over and over again, "I wish I could've talked you into doing this at my studio."

Bitch, you might have been able to talk me into it 3 weeks ago, but not the morning of the shoot. Had you read your fucking e-mails, we wouldn't be in this situation.

Say cheese, asshole. This is me taking a mental picture of the last time I'll ever deal with someone as incompetent as you.

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-20T21:23:00.001-05:00

Free Flavia Machine

Damn you Flavia for making such tasty coffees and easy to use recipes for Choccochinos, cappuccino and hazelnut coffee with a tasty milky way topping. I am now ingesting 1,500 calories a day in flavored coffee drinks.

Mo Money, Mo Problems

2007-06-20T21:08:00.000-05:00

What comes between five and seven? Six, and that's the average time I've been leaving the new job. My "supervisor," and I use that term loosely, has been MIA since my first day so my ass has been on my own. Today, in my overzealousness, I went around asking folks if they needed help. Eight hours later, I asked myself why in the world I asked that stupid ass question cause the answer will always be yes. So, it's day 3 and I'm busy. But I must say it's "contained miscellaneousness." Everything has something to do with my job description. Though I fled at 6:45pm today, I was content. I'm even going in early tomorrow, cause that's what you do when you don't absolutely hate your job and when the work you do actually has a purpose.

Other cool shit I've been doing:
Calling Germany to track down a media list, bitch answered the phone in German and I'm like "Habla Espanol. Mi casa es Chicago...u speak English lady?"

Joining one of the company's two volleyball teams: ain't no old folks in this place.

Getting my corporate American Express card, cha-ching

Pricing a full-page, full color magazine add, cause...shit we can afford it

Thinking of ways to spend our $2million dollar budget for 2007

Tales from my first day at my new job

2007-06-18T19:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so my dumb ass didn't take any time off between jobs and I found myself sitting at Dunkin Donuts at 8am twiddling my thumbs and trying to figure out if 10 minutes or 15 minutes constituted fashionably early. I decided on 10 and showed up at my new job dressed in black (because I would like to be taken seriously.) Of course wasn't nobody there cause who shows up early except for retarded new people who are on salary but have yet to realize that they can show up when they want and still get paid the same amount (noted.)

I notice two 20-something chicks (one totally had a boob job, they were crooked and distracting) waiting so I being the oldest I think (sigh, welcome to agency) introduce myself and make small talk. We get greeted by an overly chipper HR person, get offered tea, coffee, water, or fruit and proceed through the maze of a floor (I'd like to point out that the poor interns are delegated to the "Intern Pit" yes, that is the official title but at least they keeps it real.)

We go through orientation and I discover that indeed this place has all the essentials: A lady that comes in to do manicures and massages cause we're just TOO busy to leave the building for that, one friday a month where we all leave our desks at 4:30 pm and come hang out and get free food oh, and a whole bunch of health insurance and shit.

I got my own office (how I keep dodging cubicles, I have no idea) and I almost passed out from the smell of cleaning fluid and the lack of ventilation. I have also been scared straight into staying on task, cause hot diggity dog our IT department actually knows what the hell they are doing. One guy entered my computer remotely and was moving shit around (can you say Ghost in the Machine) so I guess I won't be blogging at work till I can beat the system.

Sadly, I didn't get the memo in my orientation kit saying I actually had to work now cause by 1 pm I had my first assignment and was researching my ass off trying to find media hits. I literally was working for 10 hours today, BUH. But strangely, I was content. I dare say, it was a miscellaneousness free day...except for the normal CTA bullshit. Bitch, you missed the freeway exit! Sigh.

A Whole New World--I like being unemployed

2007-06-15T14:02:00.000-05:00

Since I'm in my late 20s, I wake up early like old people do. I was showered, dressed and locking up the crib by 9:30am on my first and only real day off before I start my new job. I step outside and...there's people out...lots of people. I chalk it up to living close to a university (lucky bastards) and proceed to my solo breakfast at the pancake house.

Get there, it's packed. I get stuck in the "you're eating solo" section which is pretty much behind the dumpster and next to the dishwasher. Then I hit the nail shop. Afterall, who's in a nail shop this early...everybody and their 2nd cousin that's who. It was then that I surmised that most of the people in Chicago are unemployed and independently rich.

My day off was a fluke, but these assholes look like they never go to work. I hit a couple more shops, each with lots of customers and came to the conclusion that I really don't want to work anymore. Being unemployed is the biggity bomb. I will never make fun of bums again cause apparently they're smarter than I am.

(Creepy) Asshole of the Day

2007-06-14T09:19:00.001-05:00

The Belly Bandit Asshole

According to our sources, apparently there are random strangers out there who have the audacity to think they have the right to walk up to a pregnant lady on the street/in a store/wherever and touch her belly.

Seriously? Who the hell do you think you are, asshole?

This is a warning to future Belly Bandit Assholes -- If there ever comes a day that Miss Misc or I are pregnant, don't even think about coming near us with your God-knows-where-they've-been hands. If you do, prepare to be karate chopped.

Wax on, wax off, asshole.

XOXO
Buhster

Bye, Bye, Bitches--A Short Poem

2007-06-14T08:32:00.000-05:00

It’s my last day to wail and bitch and moan

About how you don’t pay me enough to cover my student loan

No more crazies in the elevator, no more loonies on the phone

No more editing speeches till they have the right tone

My ass is out, you heard me, I’m walking out the door

Me no do worky for you anymore

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

The Non-Self-Editing Asshole

I took the elevator upstairs to ask a coworker (who refuses to answer the phone) a simple question-should have taken 2-minutes tops. Twenty-five minutes later I stumbled back to my office with way too much information.

Listen asshole, I wanted to know about a URL address, I did not want or care to know the following inappropriate details about your life:

Your low-dosage birth control pill doesn’t work
You haven’t had your cycle in four months
You want to buy an electric car
Your brother in law got laid off and his wife is a stay at home mom
You prefer a female gynecologist
You really loved your former dentist

I don’t really know you like that homie and I never will because I am leaving this shit hole in 48 hours never to be seen again. On a side note, of course this person has been fast tracked in the company and will soon be receiving her own department. How fitting.

The Joys of Quitting

2007-06-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

No one told me it would be this wonderful. I find myself doing the happy dance and bursting out into the chorus of George Michael’s “Freedom” 3-4 times per day.

The best things about quitting are:

1.Deleting e-mails that could save your ass in a crisis, because your ass no longer needs saving

2. Answering your phone only if you feel like it

3. Being late and leaving early knowing there’s no consequences

4.Throwing away full file folders without going through their content (and making lots of noise as you do so)

5.Telling your boss what assignments you just aren’t going to get to in the next two weeks

6.The fleeting look of jealously that passes through everyone’s eyes when you tell them

7.The promise of working with people who may actually be normal and good at their jobs

8.Making a mental note of everyone you will absolutely not miss and never plan on seeing again

9. Declining all meeting notices without giving an explanation

10.Writing cryptic messages on the underside of your desk in permanent black marker to warn the next poor sap

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-06T14:14:00.000-05:00

Acne

Get the hell off my face, you asshole. I paid my dues when I was 15. Go terrorize an Olsen twin or something.

Top 5 Responses to Ridiculous E-mails

2007-06-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

I e-mailed a co-worker and got back a normal answer followed by a question. I answered the question. End of e-mail chain right? Wrong. This person decided to e-mail me back “Glad I thought of it.” What the fuck kind of response is that? How do I reply? “Me too.” Do I give her a cyber pat on the back for her original thought?

Have you ever gotten an e-mail that you didn’t know how to reply to?
Did your FYI turn into a friggin dialogue that totally eliminated the purpose of it being an FYI?

Try one of these tried and true (okay, we haven’t tried them but we wish we could) responses to shut the dumb a-hole up and end all present and future correspondence:

5. Everybody poops.
4. Yeah, with extra cheese.
3. Thank you for your message. However, I’m currently away from my desk right now because you make me sick, you self-aggrandizing asshole. If you need immediate assistance..I don't care.
2. I saw it! Seriously, like 3 inches tops.
1. Syphilis.

R&R=Resignation and Reisling

2007-06-01T14:00:00.001-05:00

That’s right my friends, you heard it here first. Miss Misc is officially getting the hell up out of purgatory, I mean my current job. By 8:06 a.m. this morning I had turned in my notice to my boss and was doing the happy dance on the elevator heading to the HR department.
By 8:06 p.m. I plan to be full of pasta and Riesling (the classiest white wine ever made.)
But not to fear. I will still post regularly cause face it, miscellaneousness abounds.

Asshole of the Day

2007-06-01T09:13:00.001-05:00

Money-Grubbing Cab Drivers

Dear Asshole,

I don't have a camera strapped around my neck, and I'm not wearing Bermuda shorts. In fact, I'm in business casual attire coming from an office building in the loop. Do I look like a goddamn tourist to you?

I didn't think so. So why would you try to take me on the longest route home and then yell at me when I try to correct you? Do you honestly think I'm going to tip you after that?

Suplise! I speak-a de Engrish, Asshole, and I'm a local. No tip for you.

Buh to you,
Buhster

Asshole of the Day

2007-05-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

The Female Cheetah

Bitches like you make it hard for the rest of us. When they said you were the "fastest" thing in the wild, this isn't what I had in mind.

Asshole of the Day

2007-05-24T15:54:00.000-05:00

Buhster's pick since Miss Misc is traveling...

The Too Cool For School Asshole

Listen, asshole, I get that you work for some fancy PR agency and can afford to wear as many designer labels as you can possibly fit onto your size 2 frame.

But all that shit doesn't give you the right to come sweeping into class late every week, complain when the professor doesn't start at the precise moment that you sit your trendy ass on your seat and then huff and puff when people ask questions.

Some of us are going further into debt to actually learn something, asshole.

You think you're too cool for school? Well, I have a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite. You aren't.

Asshole of the Day

2007-05-21T15:31:00.001-05:00

Any Post Office in America, USA

Dear United States Postal Service:

Going through a rough patch huh? With e-mail taking over I totally understand that business must be bad. And those 100% cotton uniforms for Mr. Postman must really require some expensive upkeep. Not to mention putting gas into those tricked out mail trucks with the customized doors that are on the wrong side of the vehicle.

But listen, your price hike isn’t fooling anyone. I remember when a first-class postage stamp was 0.23 and if my memory serves me correctly it was still a little sticky square. It’s not bigger, it’s not prettier, so why the hell do you keep raising the price? At least make me think that I’m getting more bang for my buck. I mean give me a vitamin booster every time I lick a stamp or something. Or make it change to pretty colors in the light.

I would greatly appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Miss Misc

P.S.

Better yet, I won’t send this letter cause I’m fucking .02 short on postage you assholes.

When Skipping Work Always Wear a Disguise

2007-05-21T08:19:00.000-05:00

My company likes to make a bunch of retired old men feel important by appointing them to various bureaus, councils and committees (i.e. busy work when they’re not golfing.) Of course these BCC’s like to meet on the weekends. This allows the old men and their wives a brief retreat into the city so they can shop, eat dinner and attend a meeting or two to justify spending thousands of dollars of the company’s money. Our department takes these meetings quite seriously. We begin preparing months in advance, creating snazzy folders with tabs and everything.

This weekend I decided enough was enough and I was not going to any stupid ass meeting that required me to travel 2.5 hrs on a Saturday morning to sit around and watch old men eat bagels. So I did what any klassy professional would do: I told my boss I’d be out of town, ya know, family obligation, then I proceeded to plan my day with fun activities.

Then I hit a glitch: on the way to one of these activities I spotted someone who works at my company …someone with a big mouth. I hid behind my oversized glasses and planned to make my escape through the backdoor, but leave it to the fucking CTA to have a bus with only one working door. I casually strolled to the front of the bus, then jumped out of that bitch like a fugitive.

I wasn’t wrong right? I mean I’m about to quit this stupid job as soon as McDonald’s processes my application. And it’s not like I could skip “Wok Cooking 101” that shit is vital to my well-being.

I Work for a Klassy Kompany

2007-05-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

Our President thinks he is da bomb. He likes to remind us of this by having mandatory staff functions to celebrate his various accomplishments: The day he was born, the day he started pre-school, the first time he scored, etc. This time he celebrated a decade at the company by making us walk a mile to a piano bar for free drinks and deep fried hors d’oeuvres.

After listening to painful renditions of “Baby Got Back,” “Remix to Ignition” and “Kiss,” our Prez was asked to get up on stage. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to plan my escape (listen bitches, if I get off at 4:30 I’m leaving at 4:30 and an open bar won’t stop me) when all of a sudden the Prez is singing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.” Hardy, har, har. Then it morphed into “Head, Shoulders, Sack and Crack…” The epitome of klassiness. I was horrified into silence. It was like a train wreck, you don’t want to watch but you can’t turn away from the carnage.

I am seriously considering taking this job off of my resume and telling potential employers that I was on a spiritual retreat for the past 3 years. At least that would spare me the embarrassment of admitting that I work in a fucking circus.

Consumer Alert: Storing Your Summer Clothes May Shrink Them

2007-05-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers:

Beware of storing your clothes in airtight plastic storage containers. This apparently will shrink the fabric causing some of your summer favorites to fit poorly or not at all.

I tried on several of my favorite outfits from last summer and noticed some pulling around the waist, hip and ass area. A few shirts were too short and seemed to resist my repeated efforts to button them properly. It’s quite apparent that I did not change in size-the clothes did.

Asshole of the Day

2007-05-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Personal Audio Devices

You cannot convince me that the assholes who blasts their MP3 players and cassette decks (yes they still exist, I’ve seen them) think that they’re the only ones who can hear their racket.

I do not need to hear the 19 minute techno version of “Unbreak My Heart” and I sure as hell don’t care if you’re a “Hollaback Girl,” or that you can “Pop, Lock, and Drop It.” I am either on my way to a job I hate, or leaving out from a job I hate. I need peace and quiet so that I can contemplate the meaning of life. Please turn that down. It’s not very personal if everyone can hear it.

Consider Yourself to Be an Asshole...

2007-05-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

Buhster's List for the Day...

People who are allowed to be tied to their cell phones/smart phones and use them during meetings:

-Cops
-Firefighters
-Surgeons or other emergency medical personnel
-Parents-to-be

All you other people who think you're so important that you can't bring yourself to ignore your phones/e-mails for an hour and yet somehow when I need you to respond, you're nowhere to be found...

Consider yourself to be an asshole.

It's Only 9:47 a.m.

2007-05-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

It's early as hell and I have already dealt with varying levels of stupidity. The kind of stupidy that caused Enron to go down and Whitney to marry Bobby. The following words/phrases have already come out of my mouth:

-Asshole
-Stupid ass
-Incompetent
-Buh
-Are your fucking kidding me?
-How in the hell does she have a job?
-How in the hell does he have a job?
-You want me to do what? That's not my fucking job
-Who hired you people?
-That question was so stupid I don't even know how to respond.

I’m Not Going to Work Anymore

2007-05-01T15:05:00.000-05:00

I don’t know whose idea it was to make people work and pay bills. Let’s create an egalitarian society, because I’d really prefer not to work. In fact, as I sit here blogging (yes I’m on the clock and don’t give a diggity damn) I’m trying to come up with creative ways to get out of working…

1. We are in an urban environment. What if I get bit by a pigeon on my way to lunch? Wouldn’t someone have to quarantine me?

2. Looking directly into the sun and going blind. Surely I can’t work if I can’t see my computer.

3. Contracting African Sleeping Sickness and or feigning severe narcolepsy. Though many people at my company are “asleep at the wheel” I think they’d stop paying me if I broke out my feather pillow at 10am and slept literally.

If you can think of other ways to prevent me from having gainful employment, please e-mail me at ihatemyfuckingjob.org

CTA Assholes

2007-04-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

Buhster buh-buh-buh-back in blogging action...

Miss Misc and I post A LOT about the assholes on the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority for you non-Chicagoans), so I figure they should have their own "Asshole" group.

Today, I'd like to talk about the space-triflin asshole. You know, it's the guy who thinks he's a lot bigger than he actually is and therefore has the right to encroach upon your personal space.

I had a space-triflin asshole sit down in between me and another girl one evening on my way home from work. Astonishingly, he seemed to take up my seat, his seat and the girl's seat on the other side of him. And it got even worse when the girl on his other side got off the bus and another man took her seat. Clearly the space-triflin asshole didn't want to touch another man, so he proceeded to lean into me shoving my left shoulder into the back of the seats next to us. What's worse is that he got all huffy when I started to push back.

Look, space-triflin asshole, just because you're delusional and think you're as big as Hulk Hogan doesn't mean I have to put up with bruises on my shoulder. Besides, my pushing back may be the most action you'll see in the next year.

Asshole of the Day

2007-04-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

The "Do you have change for a $5 Guy"

My area has a few homeless guys, who I seriously suspect of having living quarters somewhere in the vicinity...probably better than my own. Anyways, they have taken to drumming on buckets to get people to give up a little dough. One well-dressed good samaritan decided to stop and make a donation. He whips out a $5...then asks the homeless guy for $3 in change. Hold up, wait a minute...you CANNOT ask homeless people for change. If you whip out the money, then you should be prepared to stop, drop, and keep on walking.
The homeless guy was as surprised as me and proceeded to dig through his money bucket for singles. You, Mr. Good Samaritan, are an ASSHOLE for doing that.

An Open Resignation Letter

2007-04-12T16:05:00.000-05:00

Dear A-holes,

Effective ASAP, Miss Misc will no longer be employed by your dorito mess of buhness.

Cry me a river. Yo fault. Hahaha...haha...ha.

-Buhster, Former Disgruntled Employee

Men I Would Never Date

2007-04-03T17:41:00.000-05:00

The other day I found myself baking brownies and cookies just for the hell of it. It took me all day, but not to worry cause I had nothing else to do.
This may be a huge indicator that I need to get a date, a man, or just laid, but I look for quality over quantity.

And there is some shit I can just not tolerate such as:

A man who is obviously hungry when he approaches me, i.e.: "You look good enough to eat," "Aren't you young and fresh" Do I look like a fucking chicken wing to you? Take your ass to Harold's with that crap.

A man who takes a step aerobics class: Honey, when you swivel better than me we have a problem.

A man that was enlisted in the military before I made my trip through my mom's ovaries: Hey asshole! Yeah, you over there. If your birthyear doesnt start with a 7 or an 8, get the hell up out of my face and go collect your SSI before it disappears...bastard.

You've Got to See it to Believe it

2007-04-03T17:29:00.000-05:00

It has been an eventful few weeks for Miss Misc and I've delighted in witnessing the following events:

A vending machine in the Minnesota airport...a Proactive Solution vending machine. Just in case you left your acne medication at home, just insert a $20 bill and you're all set.

A crazy man on Michigan Ave...who happens to own and operate a thriving deli on prime real estate. Please tell me why he was rollerblading, using ski poles to propel him forward, along the Magnificent Mile? He didn't let red lights and crowds deter him. He tapped his ski pole so that people would think he was blind and move out of the way.

The Nazi Crossing Guard: Aren't crossing guards supposed to prevent accidents caused by careless drivers and pedestrians? Well not my crossing guard. He delights in the rush he gets from throwing his hand up to stop traffic and blowing his shiny whistle whenever he pleases. He almost caused a major traffic accident and got a little girl hit the other day. Thanks City of Chicago for sending one of your finest out to protect me.

Asshole of the Day

2007-03-29T15:39:00.000-05:00

My Parasite

I have a parasite. Me and Buhster named him Ernie. He inhabits my belly from time to time, usually when he senses that the weather is warming up. He makes me feel like buh. Please join me in extending a warm welcome to Ernie who has returned from his winter hiatus to torture me.

To end on a positive note, there are advantages to having a parasite. Six-pack abs here I come.

When the Shit Hits the Fan, I Usually Get Splattered

2007-03-20T19:16:00.000-05:00

Miss Misc just cannot catch a break. I was trying to broaden my horizons by joining a book club and meeting like-minded professional women. I decided it was a good idea to accompany a few of the ladies to a lounge.
It was great, like a black episode of "Friends" when something went terribly wrong. I found myself in the middle of drama when two of the ladies got into an argument. One minute I was looking at the man who was going to father my children, the next I'm running out of the door after two grown ass women having a silly ass dispute.

Miss Misc, being the natural peacemaker, was trying to make sure all was well when the girl took off down the street in her car.

Oh, did I mention that she was my ride? And that I had no idea where I was? And that my purse was in the back of her car? And that it was 2:30 a.m.? And that she accused me of saying something and taking the other girls side of the argument. And let's not forget the best detail of all...she was deaf. Yes friends. Miss Misc got left at the club after being accused of talking smack by a deaf girl who wouldn't have been able to tell if I was talking smack even if I had been.

Sigh, I swear this shit doesn't happen to anyone else. It's all reserved for me.

Asshole of the Day

2007-03-20T19:13:00.000-05:00

The IRS

I think you should be able to opt-out of paying taxes if you just don't feel like it. I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

Crazies Like Ribs Too

2007-03-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

Met up with my long-lost buddy Buhster last night for some happy hour festivities at Chilis. Apparently, we attract crazies. As we leisurely sipped our frozen margaritas, a very normal woman excitedly approached us and began talking about our table. We chalked her strange behavior up to the very reasonably priced drinks.

However, when she returned a few minutes later to tell us why she'd taken up smoking Brand X cigarrettes at the age of 60 and how she would surely die soon, we confirmed our suspicions that crazies follow us, even to fine eating establishments.

We were later joined by Phukker, who, not to be outdone, attracted a whole new brand of crazy. After we shot the buh for a while, some crazy ass looking guy slowly walked passed, pausing briefly outside of the kitchen entrance as if deciding whether or not stealing a beef rib would be worth a night in jail. He decided against it and proceeded to stand about 5 feet behind us in a stooped position. I was quite convinced that he was pissing his pants, but I cannot confirm or deny that allegation.

Tis a typical night out for Miss Misc.

Asshole of the Day

2007-03-12T08:39:00.000-05:00

Daylight Savings Time

I do not have the time or patience to educate myself and perform a Wikepedia search on the idiot who came up with the concept of playing hopscotch with the time in the fall and spring. Spring forward, fall back my ass. And the fact that some US cities don't even observe it makes it even more of a joke.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. My ass barely made it out of bed this morning.

Asshole of the Day

2007-03-05T16:12:00.000-06:00

Crotch-ety Old Women

Please, please cover your womanhood whenever possible. This is my plea. I had to face two vaginas (not my own and not the one that birthed me) over the weekend. Go get your kicks at the bingo hall and not by traumatizing other women.