I am but a lowly eunuch

What in the hell is a eunuch? According to my friends Merriam and Webster it is:

1 : a castrated man placed in charge of a harem or employed as a chamberlain in a palace2 : a man or boy deprived of the testes or external genitals3 : one that lacks virility or power

I am a modern day eunuch. Yes I am a girl, but bear with me for an explanation. I believe that every person has balls. The size of these balls varies depending on how outspoken you are. You’ll find that some people never let their balls descend at all. Well I think that since graduating from college, my balls have experienced unprecedented growth. I dare say they were hanging quite nicely. But in the last few weeks, several people have made attempts to castrate Lefty and Righty. They’ll send me cyber kicks via e-mail, or pop in my office unexpected before I can block the blow.

I try to take the defensive stance that I’ve seen so many times from males, hunch over with my hands covering my groin. But when your balls are metaphoric, that doesn’t work, so you take the full force of the kick. I’ve noticed that they are beginning to shrivel and retreat. I think I need a man’s opinion here: How do I save my little guys?