My Mommy Said Not to Let People Touch Me

After being assaulted on Friday by someone who seemed to think he was my friend and therefore allowed to hug up on me, I have created the following list to dispel any confusion over who gets a piece of da Miss Misc:

People who should not touch me:

1. Former co-workers--please, please stop coming up to me on the street and hugging me. I quit so that I wouldn't have to interact with you any longer. Just cause I'm not on the payroll doesnt mean the rules regarding physical boundaries no longer exist. Respect the bubble.
2. Airport security guys--for some reason I always get harassed at the airport. Me thinks you better get away from me with that wand.
3. Randoms at the gym (umm, I don't need you to spot me, please stop hovering)
4. Women with hips--though the touch is unintentional, your body heat is starting to freak me out. There ain't enough room in this seat for 2 sets of hips and I was here first.


A list of people allowed to touch me:

1. Immediate family (mom, siblings, nieces/nephews, grandma)
2. Aunts and uncles upon written request
3. Select in-laws--he/she married you, I didnt.
4. Friends I have seen or had contact with in the past 6-12 months, discluding those who forgot about my 1/2 birthday (assholes)
5. Big and cuddly men who date my friends (you know who you are)
6. My ex-boyfriend (don't ask it's none of your business)
7. Men with Jamaican accents