4th Time's the Charm: This is War

Today, for the fourth time in my short 26 3/4 years on this earth I was shit on by a nasty-ass bird. Let me recall these incidents in my life:

Shit #1: Minding my own damn business at the Seattle Center, near the Space Needle, when a bird came out of nowhere and shit on my shoulder.

Shit #2: Minding my own damn business somewhere in Homewood, IL when a woman stopped me to tell me there was bird shit down the back of my khaki jacket.

Shit #3: Minding my own business, sitting in the passenger seat of a car...with the window 1/2 rolled up, eating ice cream, when cookies and cream splatters on me. I look over at my ex, but he couldn't have done it. So I look to the guy in the next car, thinking some random asshole threw ice cream at me. But he sure was keeping a straight face to be guilty. I then realize that against all odds, the laws of gravity, and through a car window, a fucking bird had found my right hand.

Shit #4: Minding my own motherfucking business, when something plops on my arm, it was only a matter of time before one of the 50 million fat pigeons that hang out at corner bakery got me.

This is FUCKING war. And I will win, I will prevail and rid the city of pigeons. The fucking pigeon-caust has arrived.

I plan to carry rice in my pocket and sprinkle it up and down the streets of Chicago, sort of like Tim Robbins did with his cell wall when he was escaping during The Shawshank Redemption. I heard it makes them blow up. If that doesnt work, I'll carry around a dozen red ballons every day and release them into the sky on my way to work.

Won't you join me in my fight against the nastiest red-eyed beasts on Earth?