Asshole of the Day

My Parasite

I have a parasite. Me and Buhster named him Ernie. He inhabits my belly from time to time, usually when he senses that the weather is warming up. He makes me feel like buh. Please join me in extending a warm welcome to Ernie who has returned from his winter hiatus to torture me.

To end on a positive note, there are advantages to having a parasite. Six-pack abs here I come.

When the Shit Hits the Fan, I Usually Get Splattered

Miss Misc just cannot catch a break. I was trying to broaden my horizons by joining a book club and meeting like-minded professional women. I decided it was a good idea to accompany a few of the ladies to a lounge.
It was great, like a black episode of "Friends" when something went terribly wrong. I found myself in the middle of drama when two of the ladies got into an argument. One minute I was looking at the man who was going to father my children, the next I'm running out of the door after two grown ass women having a silly ass dispute.

Miss Misc, being the natural peacemaker, was trying to make sure all was well when the girl took off down the street in her car.

Oh, did I mention that she was my ride? And that I had no idea where I was? And that my purse was in the back of her car? And that it was 2:30 a.m.? And that she accused me of saying something and taking the other girls side of the argument. And let's not forget the best detail of all...she was deaf. Yes friends. Miss Misc got left at the club after being accused of talking smack by a deaf girl who wouldn't have been able to tell if I was talking smack even if I had been.

Sigh, I swear this shit doesn't happen to anyone else. It's all reserved for me.

Asshole of the Day

The IRS

I think you should be able to opt-out of paying taxes if you just don't feel like it. I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

Crazies Like Ribs Too

Met up with my long-lost buddy Buhster last night for some happy hour festivities at Chilis. Apparently, we attract crazies. As we leisurely sipped our frozen margaritas, a very normal woman excitedly approached us and began talking about our table. We chalked her strange behavior up to the very reasonably priced drinks.

However, when she returned a few minutes later to tell us why she'd taken up smoking Brand X cigarrettes at the age of 60 and how she would surely die soon, we confirmed our suspicions that crazies follow us, even to fine eating establishments.

We were later joined by Phukker, who, not to be outdone, attracted a whole new brand of crazy. After we shot the buh for a while, some crazy ass looking guy slowly walked passed, pausing briefly outside of the kitchen entrance as if deciding whether or not stealing a beef rib would be worth a night in jail. He decided against it and proceeded to stand about 5 feet behind us in a stooped position. I was quite convinced that he was pissing his pants, but I cannot confirm or deny that allegation.

Tis a typical night out for Miss Misc.

Asshole of the Day

Daylight Savings Time

I do not have the time or patience to educate myself and perform a Wikepedia search on the idiot who came up with the concept of playing hopscotch with the time in the fall and spring. Spring forward, fall back my ass. And the fact that some US cities don't even observe it makes it even more of a joke.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. My ass barely made it out of bed this morning.

Asshole of the Day

Crotch-ety Old Women

Please, please cover your womanhood whenever possible. This is my plea. I had to face two vaginas (not my own and not the one that birthed me) over the weekend. Go get your kicks at the bingo hall and not by traumatizing other women.

Buh Bye to Buhster

A case study on how to thwart miscellaneousness

Much like me, Buhster was often assailed with miscellaneousness. The kind that made her scowl at her computer screen from 8:30am to 5 pm. But being quite smart, she figured out the most effective way to thwart miscellaneousness. How do you do this? Well you start at the source: the miscellaneours. Getting rid of them is sure to get rid of the accompanying buhness. Buhster completed this task in an ingenious matter, her ass bounced. That’s right folks, she threw up the peace sign and quit. Sigh, why didn’t I think of that? So let’s please observe a moment of silence for my departed homey. May the buh not be with you.