Asshole of the Month

Creepy, Can't Take a Hint Guy

Believe it or not, I'm usually a pretty nice person. In fact, I'd say the niceness outshines the assholishness on most days. But that nice shit can backfire on you. I was having a great weekend, minding my own business, eating brownies and frappuccino for breakfast, mindlessly spending money at Target on pure miscellaneousness, running errands when I run into an old coworker.

I go out of my way to say hi and we chat for a while. I decide I need to keep running errands so I can be home and settled for Desperate Housewives, so I tell Mr. Creepy I have to go. He walks me out (hmmm, nice of him) and continues to walk with me down to my next errand. Not incredibly strange, so we keep chatting. After 5 blocks I'm like "uh yeah, well I gotta go grocery shopping," so Mr Creepy is like okay and follows me into the store where he proceeds to pull out a cart. By this time my weird-dar (not nearly as fine tuned as my gaydar) begins to beep, cause we aint the fucking Cosby's and I was not about to grocery shop with a random ex-coworker (who has always been very weird, scary and creepy now that I think about it.) So, I grab a basket, tell him I gotta hurry and I'll holla if I see him. So he goes to the cash machine and I breathe a sigh of relief, until I get to the front of the store 20 minutes later and see him waiting for me! My weird dar is now doing the Chicken Dance and telling me to run like the wind. So I nervously wait for checkout since I can't just drop my shit at this point.

So when he tries to take my bags, I'm like, "dude, nice to see ya, but I gotta go." I walk out the store like an Olympic speedwalker and try to figure out the quickest route home. This is when he decides he's been slighted and he goes off on me. So apparently he feels like I'm making him look like a pervert cause I'm walking away. Somehow it's my fault that he's been following me around like a puppy for the past 45 minutes.

Listen, Can't Take a Hint Guy, I told you about 50 million times that unlike you, I have a life and shit to do. Don't be taking it out on me cause you hate the world and got fired 4 months ago and aint got no job (that's a whole 'nother post.)

So now, big sigh, based on advice from Buhster, I gotta go buy mace cause the Asshole of the Month lives a block away and he's just crazy enough to take vengeance on my ass. Now ain't this about some bullshit? This is why being nice is dumb and being an asshole to everyone always pays off.

Oh the pic? That's the episode of the Twilight Zone that always scared the shit out of me, not unlike Creepy Guy.

I want my mommy! But HR will have to do

After four months of having a non-managing manager, I finally put my foot down and screamed "I can't take it anymore!" Actually what really happened is that I sent a cryptic e-mail (i.e. cry for help) to the HR department, so they set up a meeting so I could cry on their shoulder. It was great, like having my own personal cheerleaders. They did a lot of smiling and note taking. It was like being on Dr. Phil.

They even assigned me a new friend. I know, it sounds a bit pitiful, but it's to the point where I need a fake buddy to pat me on the back once a week. I'll have to keep ya'll posted on this situation cause reviews are next week, and it's about to get interesting.

Asshole of the Day

False Sense of Urgency Guy

Where's the fire, where's the fire? Oh, there's no fire? Just a little bit of smoke? Oh...no smoke either? You just anticipate smoke in the near future so you'd like me to start working on our response to a potential crisis, just in case?

To all the people in the world who create a false sense of urgency, you my friends, are assholes.
As I sat at my desk today at 7PM, I wondered why the hell all of a sudden it was so important to finish the project that I put on my boss' desk 3 weeks ago. I also wondered why she waited until the night before my long weekend to pop into my office at 6pm to hand me her edits. And why all of a sudden is there an imaginary deadline looming? Me thinks you should take your little red editing pen, stick it in a pile of poo, then stick it in your eye.

Contributing to the Deliquency of a Minor

I got a call from my sister today. It seems that my 2-year-old nephew bit someone at school because he wanted their toy. Oh well, I have been known to bite people to get what I want as well. But apparently he's also been getting his teachers to back the hell up off him and leave him alone by holding his arm up and waving his hand in the "whatever" motion. I am quite proud to admit that I am teaching him how to be an asshole!

A few months ago, he didnt want me to pick him up so I said "forget you" and made a noise and waved my hand at him. He thought it was hilarious and hasn't stopped doing it since.

This all contributed to his first official pre-pre-preschool "write up." He is also the originator of the term "buh," which is now indispensable to my vocabulary.

The process of being a true asshole is very complicated. It took me years to really get it down, but he is learning early, shit, I dare say he's a prodigy.

Asshole of the Day

Stank Guy

There has been an obvious disconnect between you and your soap because there is no way that lather has touched that ass in at least 4-5 days. My nosehair is being singed and I'm starting to get a tummy ache from the fumes you are emitting. I feel like I'm standing in back of a Gremlin that is being started up for the first time in 10 years and kicking out exhaust.

Frankly it's unfair that you get to sit next to me and smell my various fragrances ( I work hard to match my body wash to my shampoo to my lotion) while I have to inhale your noxiousness. I would greatly appreciate it if you would hsaw ruoy ssa. (I thought that if I spelled it out for you backwards maybe you'd get the point)

This message also goes out to every woman who still thinks it's 1992 and therefore okay to wear White Diamonds. You smell like ass as well.

The Cavemen had it Right

After several electronic breakdowns this weekend, I have surmised that this supposed "age of technology" is a bunch of bullshit. I had far less trouble when we used rotary phones, when written correspondence required a $0.23 stamp and when cable consisted of HBO, Showtime or Starz.

But we had to go and get fancy with it, we want to be able to carry our phones in our pockets and take pictures with them. We need instantaneous communication with our friends, and God forbid you take away our 100 channels when we really only watch 3 of them anyways.

Friday night I found myself utterly helpless as I had a barely intelligible conversation with the Comcast guy trying to arrange a repairman for my internet and cable that werent working. This was made very difficult by the fact that my cell phone doesnt really work in my apartment. As I woke up at 830am on Saturday morning to let the cable guy in I cursed humanity and my dependence on all this electronic crap. Now it's Sunday and dagnabbit after two trips to the Sprint store I still find myself with a piece of shit phone that doesnt work and a brand new 2-year contract. I'm about to get rid of it all and save myself $200 a month. To all my friends who need to holla, shit, you know where to find me.

Asshole of the Day

Umbrellas

These should be considered weapons. I saw two fights nearly break out in one day as a result of people being utterly careless when it came to where they were walking. A note to umbrella carriers:

-When you have an open umbrella, the diameter of your head has been expanded by at least a foot; you're taking up a lot more room than you think you are
-There is water rolling off of your umbrella, so if you tilt back, anyone behind you is going to get wet
-There are pointy pieces of metal surrounding you, any sudden movements could result in temporary blindness to an unsuspecting bystander
-No more than two people can fit under a standard umbrella, any more than that looks silly