Asshole Parents

Buh-buh-buh-Buhster here...

Anybody who knows me, knows that I am the sweatiest person alive. I could be sitting perfectly still, and my nose will inexplicably start beading up with sweat. So it's no surprise that when I'm running, I look like someone just dumped a bucket of water all over me. I look pretty damn pathetic (and gross).

I say all this because yesterday I decided to run home from work. After running through the heat and humidity in the thick of downtown, dodging meandering miscellaneours on the sidewalk and trying not to suffocate behind the CTA bus exhaust fumes, I finally made it to the Lakeshore Path.

Where I entered, there was a glorious water fountain waiting for me. Unfortunately, just as I was approaching, a family of four (clearly from the suburbs what with mom and her awesome fanny pack attached firmly to her waist) decides to rush to the fountain just before me. Dad goes and drinks, followed by kid #1, kid #2 and then mom. Just as I'm about to get to the fountain, kid #1 jumps back over to the fountain and starts drinking...and drinking...and drinking. And this kid wasn't an innocent little 5 year old who didn't know any better. Had to have been at least 14.

So there I am...standing there...in all my disgusting sweaty glory...panting...waiting...

Worst part about all of it - the asshole parents stood there watching him and then looking at me out of the corner of their eyes.

Why? Why are you knowingly grooming your kids to be assholes? I can guarantee that your walk from Navy Pier to Ohio Street Beach was not all that taxing.

I'm now starting to see why we are able to have an asshole of the day damn near everyday. It's because everyday, asshole parents like these two are creating the future assholes of America.

Miss Misc said if I would've taken him out by the knees, she would've posted bond. Noted for the future.

Keep that in mind, assholes.

My Mommy Said Not to Let People Touch Me

After being assaulted on Friday by someone who seemed to think he was my friend and therefore allowed to hug up on me, I have created the following list to dispel any confusion over who gets a piece of da Miss Misc:

People who should not touch me:

1. Former co-workers--please, please stop coming up to me on the street and hugging me. I quit so that I wouldn't have to interact with you any longer. Just cause I'm not on the payroll doesnt mean the rules regarding physical boundaries no longer exist. Respect the bubble.
2. Airport security guys--for some reason I always get harassed at the airport. Me thinks you better get away from me with that wand.
3. Randoms at the gym (umm, I don't need you to spot me, please stop hovering)
4. Women with hips--though the touch is unintentional, your body heat is starting to freak me out. There ain't enough room in this seat for 2 sets of hips and I was here first.


A list of people allowed to touch me:

1. Immediate family (mom, siblings, nieces/nephews, grandma)
2. Aunts and uncles upon written request
3. Select in-laws--he/she married you, I didnt.
4. Friends I have seen or had contact with in the past 6-12 months, discluding those who forgot about my 1/2 birthday (assholes)
5. Big and cuddly men who date my friends (you know who you are)
6. My ex-boyfriend (don't ask it's none of your business)
7. Men with Jamaican accents

Asshole of the Day

The Sidewalk Meeting Asshole:

I understand that you forgot to work out the logistics of where the hell you were going for lunch before you left the building. But must you convene for discussion in the middle of the sidewalk? Do you really need to form a circle so that you are all making eye contact in order to decide if you want Coco Pazzo or Bice?

If I put on my football helmet and run through the middle of your fucking impromptu meeting will you get the point? MOVE IT OR LOSE IT BUSTER!

Love,

Miss Misc

Domino Effect Asshole

It's true that you should always be a leader and not a follower. But it's human nature to gauge the behavior of other human beings and copy what they're doing. However, because the world runs amuck with assholes (at last count there were at least 1.2 billion, grade A certified assholes in the world) we cannot always trust them. The following is a list of what I like to call the "domino effect" assholes who make us all look stupid:

-The guy who starts running down/up the stairway to the train, making everyone behind him start to run (of course, the train he hears is going in the wrong direction and/or isn't your train anyways)

-The guy you follow to the other grocery store line 'cause he makes you think it's moving faster (it never, ever is)

-The guy you follow down the unfamiliar street cause he looks like he might know where he's going (he is just as lost as you)

-The guy driving the car who seems like he is heading to the nearest freeway ramp (dude, trust me he's not)

-The guy who stands at the front of the bus during rush hour knowing full and well that it's soon going to be packed with assholes who won't go past him to fill up the standing room in the back of the bus

-The guy at a fast food restaurant who finds new ways to shove his trash into a completely full garbage can or just simply places it on top of or around it

-The guy who decides not to ignore the funnel line to get to cashiers and instead hops in right behind someone who looks to be almost done with their transaction

-The guy who slows down to look at the scene of an accident, look at a guy changing his tire, look at a guy who stopped on the side of the road to take a piss, therefore causing other cars to slow down and resulting in a major jam for no reason.

Asshole of the Day

Deathwish Asshole

It's true that every vehicle is equipped with brakes, even bicycles. This is for the safety of us all. But that does not mean that you should run your silly, death-defying ass across a busy downtown street.

Why did I witness, within the course of five minutes, 10-12 people who decided that yellow and red mean "walk a little faster" across an intersection. Hey asshole, they both mean STOP, not start. One asshole even held his hand out for the cars to stop like he was one of the Supremes.

All I ask is that when you're splattered across the pavement cause the Yellow Cab ran you over, please don't get any of your guts on my leisure shoes. Puma's aren't cheap.

And to the assholes in the wheelchairs who think they're still as mobile as two-legged pedestrians (yeah I said it!) if that little traffic signal isn't fresh and bright white, DO NOT start rolling your ass across the street. You're blocking traffic, move it or lose your only good leg!