4th Time's the Charm: This is War

Today, for the fourth time in my short 26 3/4 years on this earth I was shit on by a nasty-ass bird. Let me recall these incidents in my life:

Shit #1: Minding my own damn business at the Seattle Center, near the Space Needle, when a bird came out of nowhere and shit on my shoulder.

Shit #2: Minding my own damn business somewhere in Homewood, IL when a woman stopped me to tell me there was bird shit down the back of my khaki jacket.

Shit #3: Minding my own business, sitting in the passenger seat of a car...with the window 1/2 rolled up, eating ice cream, when cookies and cream splatters on me. I look over at my ex, but he couldn't have done it. So I look to the guy in the next car, thinking some random asshole threw ice cream at me. But he sure was keeping a straight face to be guilty. I then realize that against all odds, the laws of gravity, and through a car window, a fucking bird had found my right hand.

Shit #4: Minding my own motherfucking business, when something plops on my arm, it was only a matter of time before one of the 50 million fat pigeons that hang out at corner bakery got me.

This is FUCKING war. And I will win, I will prevail and rid the city of pigeons. The fucking pigeon-caust has arrived.

I plan to carry rice in my pocket and sprinkle it up and down the streets of Chicago, sort of like Tim Robbins did with his cell wall when he was escaping during The Shawshank Redemption. I heard it makes them blow up. If that doesnt work, I'll carry around a dozen red ballons every day and release them into the sky on my way to work.

Won't you join me in my fight against the nastiest red-eyed beasts on Earth?

Query: Do Gay Men Flirt with Women?

As much as I chase men and lust after them, I can be quite oblivious to any overt attention I receive from one. For the last couple of months I've been chatting (in-person, not online, so you should be proud of me) with a guy who goes to my gym. I met him when I hired him as a physical trainer for my sister. He's really cute, we're almost the exact same age (less than 24 hours apart) and lord knows the things I could do to that body. But for once in my life, I'm not attracted to him, because...well ummm, I think he's gay. In fact, my gaydar beeps and flashes code red anytime he's in the vicinity.

But I can no longer ignore the fact that he's flirting with me. Today as I was sweating and complaining about my 24% body fat he kept telling me how cute I was. Coming from any other man I would have taken that as a marriage proposal, but from him it rolled right off. So query me this: Do gay men tease straight women? Do they want to see if they could get some of the vajayjay despite their sexual orientation? Should I be flirting back? And most importantly...could my gaydar need some fine-tuning?

Asshole of the Day

Memorial Drives

I understand that there are lots of remarkable people in the world; Marky Mark, Scary Spice, Fergie;, etc. who deserve to be commemorated in some very special way. We really do need to remember the contributions they each made to society. But can you please stop giving everybody and they mama their own street sign! Just cause they were born in this city or flew over it once on their way to a better city, doesn't mean they need their own metropolitan street! My ass got lost yesterday because instead of seeing Harrison Street, there was a little brown sign in honor of some asshole I've never heard of. Please don't force me to write a letter to the city, I get very angry when I have to do that.

Asshole of the Day

So Called Currency-X-Change

Miss Misc: "Excuse me, I'd like to exchange my Bahamian money for American. It's a direct exchange rate."

Currency Exchange: "Canadian?"

Miss Misc: "No BAhamian"

Currency Exchage: "Ohhhh, we don't take that."

Miss Misc: "Ummm, isn't this the currency exchange?"

Currency Exchange: "Yes, but we only exchange four kinds of currency."

Miss Misc: "Ummm, but there's lots of countries, with lots of money."

Currency Exchange: "Try American Express"

Miss Misc: "Ohhhh, ok."

To make a long story fucking short, I went to American Express, where they tried to give me $23 for my $31. What kind of exchange rate is that!!! They then proceeded to send me to the bank, who wouldn't take it cause they too only accept a few currencies and I wasn't a customer (yeah, well fuck you too Chase) They sent me to my bank, who wouldn't take it either. So I now have $31 of cartoon money in my fucking wallet. $31 is a 2 large pizzas, 1/2 of a bikini wax and 28 cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee. You are dealing with a girl who carries around coupons in her wallet. I am beyond traumatized.

A Bell Boy, A Lifeguard and a Rastafarian Walk Into a Bar

Just got back from the Bahamas and I'm making a slow recovery from 4 nights and 5 days of acting like a 19-year old. Below are highlights from my trip:

I got a sunburn--for the average white girl, this is no big deal. For the average black girl it's unheard of. I'm peeling and shit and quite proud of this achievement.

I let a miscellaneous bell boy invite himself to my room for a 1/2 hour massage then proceed to drink a beer and watch a movie with me in bed before he decided his "break" was over.

I got into a strange taxi-cab with two strange men in a strange country...twice. Hey, it's a small ass island but a princess like myself never walks.

I wound up at a strange beach with the abovementioned strange rastafarian taxi driver, where he then attempted to conjole me into lewd behavior by promising to give me "the best part of him." I told him thanks but no thanks cause the best part of him was barely visible to the naked eye and not worth my time. I also have a strict 24hr rule before sleeping with any strange men and it had only been 17.

I let a mildly cute lifeguard take my non-swimming ass out on a catamaran. Later that night I proceeded to enter yet another strange car with the lifeguard in order to get a free ride to the club.

I managed to find a midget from Chicago to hit on me.

Oh, and to obtain yet another ride, I agreed to wear boy shirts around my apartment in front of my ex-boyfriend. Damn...I feel like a cheap hooker now. And I CAN'T WAIT to do it again next year.

Asshole of the Day

Adult Ear Infectons--

Yes, you heard me correctly (ba dum buh) Each year I seem to get a raging ear infection. For the record, I am 26.7 years old, and you are supposed to build up resistance to that shit when you're 2. This is all my mom's fault for not breastfeeding me (which might explain why when I heard about Britney putting soda in her kids' bottles, I didn't think it was a big deal, ahhh, memories)

Thank God for extra-strength aspirin and leftovers from last year's prescription

Update: Asshole Parents

As if the little shit at the water fountain wasn't bad enough, I had to run past this new little shit who was screaming "HONK HONK" in an oddly belligerent way at everyone who crossed his path...and his parents were walking with him...giggling.

It's not cute, dickwads. Your son's an asshole. Fix it.

-Buhster